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Woman's Suicide Thwarted by a Loving God

Susan grew up in an emotionally abusive family. Her father was an alcoholic who was in constant conflict with Susan, her mom and her sisters.

“It was just constant. Just sorrow and just hurtful things and just rejection from every which way,” she says. “So it was almost like walking on eggshells because you never knew what you were going to get.”

She began looking for love and acceptance through sexual relationships. She had her first abortion when she was only fourteen. She says, “I was yearning for love so much that I looked for anybody. I’m looking for all these people to just fill these voids.”

In her early 20’s she went to church, where she felt the love of God. But Susan says she had a hard time receiving it. “And I had this –this wonderful, awesome feeling of love and I just kind of like, in the back of my mind, I said it’s not going to last long. He doesn’t –He doesn’t love me.”

She quit going to church. Meanwhile chaos and abuse followed her from one relationship to another, and eventually into marriage. She endured years of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of her husband. “I would get beat up for catching him cheating,” she says. “He would cheat on me and we would argue about it, but I would get beat up for it. Because I was snooping.”

She used marijuana and alcohol to cope with the chaos in her home. “It was nothing for me to come home and just open up the bottle and just take shots. Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink. It masked everything. It numbed everything.”

When she finally left her husband, she says he attacked her and tried to kill her. “I ended up going to the emergency room. I had bruised kidneys and I still have a scar on the left side of my face. It’s an indentation from where my face was smashed in the attack.”

After a lifetime of disappointment and heartbreak Susan decided to commit suicide. She remembers, “You know, everything just piled on me at one time. You know, just the feelings of just ewww, like look at you. Look at who you’ve become. This is it. I am done. I am done with this. I don’t want this anymore. I had planned to get drunk and just take these pills and go. I was over it.”

She drank vodka and passed out before she could take the lethal dose of pills. The next day Susan woke up sick and ready for a change. “When I was throwing up, I remember just, even doing that, I cannot do this anymore. When? Okay, You want to help me? I looked up to God, I said okay, You want to help me? Now is Your opportunity, do it then. Take all this from me. I don’t want this anymore! Take it, it’s Yours. You want it? Here, take it! Let me see what You’re working with. Let me see if You really love me!” That morning God proved his love for her, immediately setting her free from drug and alcohol addiction. She says, “When He took all that, and He took it away from me, and the desires were just gone. It was like that—I mean, they were gone! I never wanted to drink. I never wanted to take alcohol. I never wanted to smoke marijuana ever again.

Susan says everything changed when she gave her life to Christ. “Once I truly surrendered everything and allowed Him to take control, that’s when I started to see myself through His eyes and how I’m fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. I’m praising—these are happy tears. I’m just thanking God right now that He just delivered me from all that. That was just the worst. Oh my God.”

She went back to school and received a degree in counseling. She says her life as an example of how the love of God can set anybody free. “My purpose is for His glory, to help others. So that someone else can see that wow, she made it through all of this and yet she’s still willing to reach back and pull others up.”
Susan forgave her ex- husband and others who hurt her. She now knows the love of god was always there for her, she only needed to receive it. “I can’t love anybody else without loving me and without accepting love from God. And if he doesn’t ever do anything else for me, I’m okay, because He’s done enough. Yeah, He’s done enough.”

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