When Your Teenager Becomes a Stranger

Does it seem that your teen-ager has become a stranger to you overnight? Do you find yourself wondering where the defiant attitudes and sullen expressions come from? In this question and answer session, Dr. Don Dunlap explores the meaning of the biblical admonition to train up a child in the way he should go. He suggests that the task involves more than taking our children to church and living the Christian life before them.

Dear Dr. Dunlap,

Our daughter just turned fourteen. Until recently, her behavior has been delightful. But lately we have been shocked by her defiant attitude. She seems to have changed overnight into a disrespectful, irresponsible, rebellious stranger. We have taken her to church all her life, but she is rejecting all our values. This same thing is happening to several other families in our church. Why are so many Christian families going through this?

What you have described is, tragically, happening in epidemic proportions. Many Christian parents are grieved that their children demonstrate more loyalty to their peers than to them. These parents who have actively involved their families in all aspects of church life throughout their children's growing up years are understandably baffled and discouraged by their teen-agers rebellious behavior. They wonder, What went wrong?

Parents should take a closer look, however, at what it means to train up a child in the way he should go. Does it simply mean that we take our children to church, try to live a consistent Christian life before them, and tell them what to do and how to behave? Absolutely not!

Training is a far more deliberate act.

God tells us in the Bible, "Bad company corrupts good morals."

Parents must protect their children from the destructive influences of wrong values, attitudes, ideas and behavior. They must, without a hint of apology to their children, actively assume their God-given roles to teach their children Christian character, respectful attitudes, and responsible behavior.

As you evaluate your situation with your daughter, I urge you to make any changes necessary in order to exert more protective control over her life, no matter how radical those decisions may appear to her adolescent understanding. You may need to completely restructure her environment, such as having her change schools, separating her from certain friends, or even bringing her home to educate her.

When you consider what is at stake, you cannot afford to be passive.