A Case of Mistaken Identity Closed
Jessica says, “My whole life revolved around getting high and then recovering, and then getting high and then being with whatever woman I was involved with at the time.”
Jessica Gruenwald spent much of her life not knowing who she was. She grew up in a rural area of Fort Worth, Texas. While it was a stable home, Jessica never felt a strong connection to the woman she called “mom.”
Jessica reflects, “It made me feel empty, lost and confused about who I was as a girl, what that meant, and what role I played.”
It wasn’t until years later Jessica would explore those feelings. She was 14 when the couple who’d been raising her told her they were her grandparents and had adopted her when she was six months old. Her biological parents were drug addicts who couldn’t take care of her.
Jessica reflects, “I felt betrayal, I felt rejection. So that really stirred up in me this craving to seek the love and attention of a woman and that I would be the one to figure that out for myself.” That’s exactly what Jessica did. Jessica says, “This was what I had been searching for my whole life. Contact, physical touch, the feelings of being desired and wanted.”
Jessica also started abusing prescription drugs, drinking alcohol, staying out all night and skipping school. Eventually, she was kicked out of both her home and her high school. By the time she was 18 Jessica was working as a stripper, where she was introduced to meth. Jessica says, “The first time that I tried meth it stole my soul. It owned me from the second I inhaled it.”
Jessica would spend the next 15 years caught in a revolving door of strip clubs, relationships with women and meth addiction. By 28 she had overdosed three times, but even then, she couldn’t stop. Jessica shares, “No. I couldn’t have imagined my life without drugs. I couldn't have imagined being a normal person, having a normal life.”
That mindset would begin to change. It was after Jessica got out of the hospital following her fourth overdose. Jessica remembers, “Seemingly out of nowhere I just started having thoughts of Christ. I was intrigued with the person of Christ.” So, she started reading the bible, especially the psalms. Only then did she begin to see she could be free from the physical and emotional torment she endured.
Jessica shares, “When I would read David's words, he would cry out to God and at the end he would say, ‘But you're my deliverer.' I just wanted that. I wanted God to save me. I wanted to feel love and God was showing me that.”
Still Jessica would spend the next two years torn between a loving God and an unrelenting need for drugs, and acceptance from women. Then one morning, in 2010, Jessica was getting ready to leave the house to get her next fix when something she heard on the tv stopped her. The 700 Club was on, and a woman was sharing the story about how God freed her from her addiction.
Jessica says, “I just started crying out to God saying, ‘I really want to go get high, and I'm going to go get high and I don't know how to tell myself no in this moment, but I want you to know that I want to serve you and I want to know you.’”
She says it was then, the words of Pat Robertson compelled her to listen. Jessica recalls, “And this man comes on the tv and he says, ‘Stop. There's a way out of your sin, and God wants to help you. He hears you and He wants to offer you forgiveness.’”
Pat Robertson shares, “God says to you, ‘If you’ll just come to Me, I died for your sins. I paid the price. And if you’ll bring all that garbage to me, I’ll clean it up and make you white as snow.’ Would you like that?”
Jessica shares, “And then he said to ‘Say the prayer of salvation with me.’ And so as I was saying the prayer of salvation and I was receiving Christ, fully receiving Christ, I felt what you could call liquid love come over me. It started at the top of my head and went down my body, and it was as if he was burning away the desires to even want to use drugs. I received Christ in that moment. I could have never guessed that such peace could come into my heart in that moment knowing that I could get to know God through this forgiveness.”
Jessica soon found a church where she started counseling with the pastor who was female. With God’s help she overcame her addiction, stopped pursuing women, and was able to forgive her parents and grandparents. She also found her identity as a woman, and a child of God.
Jessica says, “I would never consider, ever consider being in a gay relationship ever again. That door is completely shut.”
In 2012, Jessica married Bernie and is studying for a degree in ministry. She’s also re-united with her biological mom. Jessica tells everyone no matter how far you’ve gone Jesus is able to save you so you can walk in your God identity.
Jessica shares, “When I look in the mirror I see a woman of God: accepted, loved, a seen person in this world. God is absolutely able to save and He is full of compassion and mercy. His desire is for you to know the truth and that is in Christ.”
To reach Jessica, please email her at: drawingmein@gmail.com
