Gwen Smith: Broken to Beautiful

Gwen and Brad were both athletes when they met in college. "He was a football player and super adorable!" remembers Gwen. They were both Christians and even involved in a campus Bible study... "We were two Christian kids in college who were outwardly making great decisions and leaders in our respective groups," she continues. But, they had a big secret. Gwen and Brad were having sex on a regular basis. "You don’t feel so guilty in the moment because you’re driven by your emotions; you’re driven by the moment. And sometimes sexually when you’re in the moment, you don’t think about what’s right and what’s wrong," says Brad. "It became this blanket of shame, and I couldn’t believe that I’d allowed myself to get into this position. A battle just raged within me." The battle raged because premarital sex went against Gwen’s most fundamental values. Gwen remembers, "I became a Christian when I was just nine at Sunday school class in church. Then as a teenager, I continued to say yes to God in very new and exciting ways. My faith really became my own. When I went away to church camp –that was a big thing going to youth camp. When I was 14-years-old, an evangelist asked us to really search our heart and to search God’s heart and ask Him to lead you in your life, and just to seek Him. But I knew, that I knew, that I knew that God was saying, 'Gwen, you’re mine. I’ve got a big plan. Join me in this great adventure.' ” But as Gwen grew older, she chose a different path, a path she’d regret for years to come… She was 20 the day she took a pregnancy test. "When the stick turned blue, I thought my life was over because everything had been a secret," she says. Brad remembers, "I was floored. I was thinking, 'That can’t be right. There’s just no way. That’s not supposed to happen to us. I’m a college football player, and she’s a college volleyball player, there’s just no way. Why would God allow that to happen?' ” "The thing is, I went to college as a girl with convictions... a girl with purpose, a girl with love for the Lord. And I was still willing to say yes to God for many things, but boy, when it came to relationship questions and compromise; I just started to say yes to other things. It just comes one small compromise at a time. I was very shocked with my own behavior," says Gwen. But the secret pregnancy didn’t last long. Gwen and Brad headed to an abortion clinic. "I really made a terrible, terrible decision. I took a life," Brad admits. "Never at any time did I believe in my heart that abortion was right," he continues. When the procedure was over, Gwen was left to face the physical and emotional consequences. "I remember just crying myself to sleep at night wondering, 'Was my baby a girl or a boy? What did they look like? And why did I do that?' And I would be so angry.' " At first, Gwen was too ashamed to ask God for forgiveness. "Well, everything was such a secret… having sex in our dating relationship was a secret. Then having an abortion was a secret, of course, because Christian couples don’t do that." Gwen and Brad graduated and married. They started a family and got involved at their church. They told no one of the abortion. "I was leading worship and singing and chasing His heart with my life. I had a healthy family and wonderful children, and I thought I was doing everything I needed to be doing," recalls Gwen. But in her heart, Gwen felt the need to share her secret. "For 15 years, we didn’t tell anybody. And I think that’s so common within the walls of the church because it’s so much easier to put on your Sunday smile. And yeah, we’ve been redeemed and forgiven, but we don’t want to go there. We don’t want to go to our mess. And for me, I was healed, and I was restored, and I was experiencing the joy of the Lord in my heart. I knew His love and I was growing in it, but I was not willing to tell anybody." Then one night at a women’s meeting, Gwen heard a speaker share her story of healing after having an abortion. "I sat in the back of the room saying, 'I can’t believe she’s doing this. That’s so hard.' But I saw what God was doing. It was obvious His spirit was moving in the room. Women were coming to healing and embracing His grace and forgiveness. And a lot of times, we won’t forgive ourselves. But I saw the hand of God move because she was willing to tell." Brad and Gwen decided to tell Gwen’s parents. "They were shocked, and they were filled with grace. We cried and asked their forgiveness, and I said, “I had no right.” It will always be the deepest regret of my life. And yet, I told them the reason I was telling them was because God wanted me to tell other people." Gwen now shares her story openly at conferences and retreats, and helps women find healing from mistakes of the past. "Jesus died for every single sin. There are no sins that fall outside the scope of God’s ability to forgive. And when we understand that, we understand that when we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and to cleanse us from all the unrighteousness, as the Bible says. That’s when healing begins." Learn how to have a relationship with God