Chapter 2: Motivational Levels

IN THIS CHAPTER, you will discover:

·    The four motivational levels of emotional and spiritual development.

·    The special needs that accompany each stage of growth.

·    Why children choose to obey and disobey.

·    The fourth level of growth absent in secular developmental growth models.

AS A RESULT, you will be able to:

·    Motivate your children to obey, learn, and grow.

·    Discern and meet the primary needs of your children.

·    Discipline your children in a way appropriate to their level of maturity.

·    Develop parenting strategies to help your children realize their full spiritual potential.

Key Scripture: "He also said to them, 'This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. All by itself the soil produces grain-first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head'" (Mark 4:26-28).

Key Words: Me Level, Approval Level, Affiliation Level, Others-Oriented Level

Growth is a part of God's natural order in the world. In Mark 4:26-29 Jesus used the analogy of plant life to illustrate how growth occurs in the kingdom of God. In this parable the "seed" (of faith) produces "first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head." Jesus' illustration reminds us that the physical, emotional, and spiritual growth of both ourselves and our children is characterized by a progression from immaturity to full maturity.

As Christian parents it is our task to disciple our children so that they respond to us with love and obedience, as we ourselves respond to Christ. If we are to accomplish this task with compassion and wisdom, we need to recognize the level at which our children stand in the maturation process. From years of personal and professional experience and the study of Scripture, Drs. Arroyo and Selig have mapped the stages we pass through on the road to maturity. Knowledge of these four motivational stages can serve as a powerful tool in understanding both our children's behavior and our own.

The Four Levels of Motivation

Level 1: The Me Level, or Baby Stage (1 Cor. 3:1-4)

At this level children are motivated primarily by the need for self-gratification. They obey because they fear punishment, or because obedience serves to earn them some tangible reward.

Level 2: The Approval Level, or Little Child Stage (1 John 2:12)

Children at this level are motivated to seek the approval of those around them, not only as a means of gratifying tangible needs, but also as a way of satisfying their increasingly complex emotional needs. At Level 2 self-esteem and a sense of right and wrong begin to develop.

Level 3: The Personal Relationship/Affiliation Level, or Young Man Stage (1 John 2:13)

At this level children desire not only the approval but also the respect of those around them. They want to be seen as competent and to be accepted as responsible individuals. Level 3 children begin to assert their independence as they become more confident and emotionally self-assured.

Level 4: The Others-Oriented Level, or Father Stage (1 John 2:13)

This is the "transpersonal" level, at which a person learns to "love others as he loves himself" (Matt. 19:19). At this level the individual operates out of a sense of God-centeredness rather than self-centeredness. It is possible for a non-Christian to function at Level 4, but to live consistently at this level the presence of Christ is needed in our lives.These four categories are, of course, only general in nature. Neither adults nor children remain at any one level at all times, nor is progress through the levels necessarily sequential. Nevertheless, knowledge of your children's general motivational level helps you understand what your children are experiencing and why they choose to obey or disobey. Equipped with this insight, you can communicate with your children more effectively, discipline them more appropriately, and help them develop character and self-esteem.

Making It Work:

• To get a better overview of your child's behavior, you should complete and compare two complementary behavior inventories. Base one inventory on behavior that occurs in a setting in which the child is most natural (probably at home). Base the other on behavior that occurs in a setting in which they experience some difficulty (in public, at school, etc.).
• Discuss the following questions:
  • At what stage does your child generally fit among the four motivational levels?
  • What types of behavior show the lowest and highest levels of motivation on the score sheet?
• Choose three examples of the lowest and highest motivational behavior and consider:
  • What needs are being expressed in your child's negative behavior? How can you better satisfy unmet needs?
  • In what situations do negative and positive behavior emerge? How can you structure situations to minimize negative behavior in the future?
  • In what ways are you taking time to praise your child for positive behavior?
  • In the lessons that follow you will explore the characteristics of the four motivational levels in more detail and learn how such knowledge can be used to "train up a child in the way he should go" (Prov. 22:6).

Life Application: At what motivational level do you think Peter was acting in Matthew 26:69-75? How does Jesus restore Peter in John 21:15-17? What new level of motivation is expressed in Peter's actions and words in Acts 2:14ff.; 4:13; and 1 Peter 4:7-19?

Key Scripture: "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me" (1 Cor. 13:11).

Key Words: External Discipline, Internal Discipline, Self-Gratification

Dr. Arroyo suggests that Mark 4:5 is a scriptural key to understanding the Level 1 child. In this section of the parable of the sower, the seed of the gospel falls on rocky soil where it cannot take hold. Just as rocky ground must be broken up for a seed to take root and bear fruit, the self-centeredness that motivates Level 1 children must be replaced by an awareness of the outside world for discipleship to begin.

This does not mean that Level 1 children are "bad" (LOD, p. 13). Children inevitably start life as "me-centered." They are helpless and easily frightened, and have a high need for protection and security. In 1 Corinthians 13:11 Paul writes: "When I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child." There is no shame or self-reproach in this statement. Nevertheless, Paul continues: "When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." Parents can help a Level 1 child do this by exerting external discipline, so that the child can develop internal discipline (LOD, p. 16).

Authority rather than reason is the appropriate motivating force for Level 1 children. Note, however, that parental authority should be used sensibly and flexibly (LOD, p. 16). Adults can regress to Level 1 in confrontations with their children. Remember: Parents cannot properly discipline a child unless they are operating at a higher motivational level than the child. Drs. Selig and Arroyo advise us to "search our hearts" and be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit in this matter (LOD, p. 18; Matt. 12:43-45).

Characteristics of Level 1 Children

Primary driving forces: self-gratification; achievement of pleasure, avoidance of pain.

Are self-centered; want their own way.

Become aggressive or upset when frustrated.

Have a short attention span, forget easily, and change activities frequently.

Work best when expectations are clear and alternatives are few.

Have difficulty understanding the point of view of others; understand things in terms of "black and white."

May use the possessions of others without permission, or do forbidden acts secretly to avoid being told no.

Must feel that the tangible benefits far outweigh the possible losses if they are to attempt new activities.

Have difficulty trusting others unless secure in parental approval.

Motivating Level 1 Children

Make sure that rules and consequences are dear in their minds and that they are developmentally capable of understanding them. Rules should be minimal, brief, specific and attainable.

Monitor them often and keep in close contact with them. This reassures your children and allows you to keep them on track.

Structure your discipline to meet their individual needs. It is advisable to consider both short-term and long-term behavioral goals in setting rules (LOD, p. 18).

Reward them freely for meeting goals. Rewards need not always be material, but may be in the form of extra privileges, special time spent together, or praise.

Build their confidence and self-esteem by praising them for tasks done especially well. Remember also to praise them for who they are. Don't be exclusively achievement-oriented in expressing delight in your children.

Pray for and with your children.

Making It Work:

• What rules in your home affect your children? Have a family meeting in which the rules are discussed, clarified, and agreed upon. Explain the purpose of each rule, the consequences if the rule is broken, and the privileges that follow if it is kept.
• Younger children (such as those at Levels 1 and 2) need a great deal of attention to feel loved. Consider these questions: What golden moments do you recall spending with your own parents and what was special about them? What are the happiest times you have spent with your own children? What memories do you want your children to have of you? How can you create these special times together?
• Make a chart dividing your day into eight or ten blocks of activity. How much time is budgeted to your children? Are there any "good" activities (e.g., lingering over the newspaper) or "neutral" activities (e.g., watching TV) that could be shortened in order to spend more time with them?
• During a forty-eight-hour period closely observe any expression on the part of your children that could be interpreted as a call for attention. (It is best if both parents do this exercise together.) Acknowledge each, even if your response cannot be lengthy every time. Do you notice a difference in the tone of your relationships as a result of this exercise?
• Make a list of special times together that can be used as rewards for your children. These need be nothing more extravagant than a trip to the ice cream store, a visit to the library, reading a story, or playing a special game. Discuss these with your child and implement them in goal setting (LOD, p. 18).

Key Scripture: "The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life" (Prov. 15:4)

Key Words: Internalize, Forgiveness, Restoration, "2 to 1 " Rule

As children become secure that their basic needs will be met, they turn their attention outward. In doing so, they become aware that their interactions with others affect their ability to gratify their own desires. With this realization children are motivated to seek approval from others. They begin to function on Level 2 - the "approval" stage. Level 2 children are still concerned primarily with self-gratification. They revert to Level 1 behavior whenever they feel their basic needs are threatened. Nevertheless, in seeking the approval of others they are building the foundation upon which self-esteem and a sense of right and wrong can rise. Level 2 children want to know if those they love value them. Their concept of who they are and how valuable they are depends upon the opinions and attitudes of those around them. It is therefore critically important that Level 2 children receive clear signals of parental recognition and approval.

Characteristics of Level 2 Children

Primary driving forces - approval, recognition, prestige.

• Have an openness to being taught, as long as the adult is trusted and loved.
• Learn from mistakes if given guidance.
• Equate attention with approval; attempt to attract attention frequently (and sometimes inappropriately).
• Respond strongly to verbal approval and recognition from parents, adults, other authority figures, and peers.
• Enjoy games and competitive activities in which they can excel; direct conversation toward themselves.
• Imitate the thought and behavior patterns of parents in an attempt to gain approval.
• Motivated to accomplish tasks by tangible rewards and praise.

Motivating Level 2 Children

Level 2 children learn and exhibit self-discipline to gain the approval of their parents. They begin to be truly teachable at this stage. Children at Level 1 do not yet have a working set of values, but by the end of Level 2 they have begun to internalize the values of their parents. A wise parent takes advantage of the teachability of Level 2 children by instilling a sense of right and wrong in them. We might think of Levels 1 and 2 as the "planting" stage for values, Level 3 as the "watering" stage, and at Level 4 "God gives the increase" (1 Cor. 3:6).

Praise in the form of oral approval, stickers, stars, and progress charts is the most powerful motivator and reward for Level 2 children. Praise also serves to create a positive self-image in children, and should be used often.

Children at this level perceive any withdrawal of approval or attention as punishment. Withdrawal of approval may be used to discipline children, but beware of "punishing" them inadvertently. When they call out for attention, give it whenever possible. Your attention and approval are like sunlight to your children. Remember the words of Christ: "Whoever welcomes this little child in my name welcomes me" (Luke 9:48).

After disciplining your children, make sure that a time of forgiveness and restoration follows. Otherwise, you may leave them with lingering anxiety about whether they are truly accepted and approved.

Since children at Level 2 are so acutely sensitive to the approval of the parent, it is a good idea to abide by the "2 to 1" rule. Express approval to your children twice for every time you discipline them.

Making It Work:

Do you model values that you would prefer your child not adopt? It takes a great deal of humility and love to admit this. Spend some time in introspection, prayer, and conversation with your spouse or a friend (if a single parent) about this question. Consider the saying: "The footprints in which a child will follow are those that his parent thought he hid."

What does your child do well? Make a wall chart with stars and stickers to celebrate good days at school, chores accomplished, or creative activities. Post the child's school or art work on the wall and praise it. Make sure the activity you choose to chart is easy and rewarding for your child. At this level the object is to build your child's self-esteem, not to challenge them with difficult tasks.

Discuss moral issues with your children; do not simply preach about them. TV, movies, books, music, Internet, blogs, Ipod casting, MP3 CD players, and video offer parents numerous opportunities to ask children: "What do you think of that?" You can use the ensuing discussion to teach values to your children. Children at Level 2 are curious and mentally and spiritually receptive. They are eager to be told what things are "good" and "bad," so they can identify them for themselves. These conversational interludes not only bond parents and children and teach right from wrong, but they also help to develop critical thinking.

Decide that you and your spouse will help each other abide by the "2 to 1" rule. Remember: Inattention, harshness in your voice, repeated demands to stop doing something, or even overhelpful directions concerning how to do something can be perceived by your child as rejection. Often one parent notices that a child is hurt when the other does not.

Key Scripture: "Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ" (Eph. 4:14-15).

Key Words: Locus of Motivation, Self-Image, Transpersonal.

At Levels 1 and 2, children are motivated to obey rules out of fear of punishment or desire to win approval. At Levels 3 and 4 the locus of motivation shifts from the external realm to the internal realm. They recognize that those around them have rights and feelings, too. With this recognition comes respect and desire to be respected. They begin to comprehend the moral and spiritual dimensions of relationships.

Level 3

Level 3 children follow rules because they want to create structure and order in their lives.They desire approval and respect, and seek to be recognized as equal and responsible partners in relationships.

Children at this level seek affiliation with groups, such as the family, a team, or peers. Group affiliation gives them a sense of structure and affirms their worth as individuals. They desire to exercise their own talents and to be seen as competent within their group.

If Level 3 children receive the approval of their parents and have a healthy self-image, they develop self-reliance. Without a positive self-image, they may "borrow" a counterfeit sense of self-worth from their status within their peer group. This is why so many teens fall victim to alienation and unhealthy peer pressure.

Parents must find a balance between controlling and over-controlling their children, especially during the difficult transition from childhood to adulthood. At the Level 2 stage parents must control their children enough to indoctrinate them with positive values. Otherwise, they will have no rule to guide them when they experiment with independent decision-making at Level 3. They will "have no root in themselves" (Matt. 13:21) and will tend to be "blown about by every wind of doctrine" (Eph. 4:14) as they seek stability among the shifting values of the secular world.

However, if children have been controlled too strictly by their parents and kept at Level 2 for too long, they may be unable to assume responsibility for themselves in a mature manner. Children who have never been freed to test their parents'; values will never succeed in internalizing them. Though their behavior may be exemplary, they have never truly made their parents'; values their own. When they are no longer under the direct control of the parent, they may end up in trouble.

These two alternatives point to the dual importance of instilling values in children during Levels 1 and 2, and of moving the children toward individual responsibility at the beginning of Level 3.

Characteristics of Level 3 Children

Primary driving forces - respect; equality in relationships; the trust of others.

May sometimes be too hard on themselves as they strive to be competent in their tasks.

Possess a developing sense of adult pride that is very sensitive to criticism.

Have a sharply defined sense of justice, which is aggressively defended.

Enthusiastically praise what is thought to be admirable and criticize what is not.

Can rethink their position on an issue when given new information.

Motivating Level 3 Children

Allow them to demonstrate responsibility and make decisions for themselves (on a limited basis). Structure situations for them in which the outcome depends on their own initiative. Foster independence in your children and respect them as budding adults.

Discuss the results of their decisions with them. Help them understand the effects that their decisions have on those around them.

Encourage children to express their opinions in making family decisions. (You can do this while retaining your own final authority in decision-making.) Show your children that you respect and value both them and their opinions.

Level 4

This is the transpersonal level. Level 4 children (or adults) are not primarily motivated by need, but by the unconditional, self-giving love described so marvelously in 1 Corinthians 13. They live out of a sense of God-centeredness rather than self-centeredness and spontaneously manifest the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-26).

Characteristics of Level 4 Children

Primary driving forces-service to God and others; self-sacrifice; truth.

Are sensitive to the hurts and concerns of others.

Grasp abstract knowledge and points of view very different from their own.

Stand for what is right, even in the face of criticism and unpopularity.

Seek the best and the highest in themselves and in others, even those who disagree with them.

Praise others, even in their absence.

Possess an inner optimism that is not shaken by negative circumstances; are sensitive to the presence of beauty.

Have a sense of self-approval that is guided by their own conscience, rather than the opinions of others.

Motivating Level 4 Children

We motivate our children to live on Level 4 by living there ourselves. At this level, it is Christ in us who is both the teacher and the lesson (Gal. 2:20).

Children at lower levels can be given a taste of the perspective of Level 4 individuals. The faith, hope, and charity demonstrated by you and your church should, of course, be their primary models. Involve your children in some act of charity or community service with you. Let them experience how it feels to give as well as to receive.

Making It Work:

• In what areas do your children express creativity, enterprise, or self-reliance? A hobby, a sport, a paper route, a science fair project, an artistic endeavor, or even caring for a pet are activities in which their budding sense of initiative and self-confidence can be nurtured. Encourage Level 3 children in such areas. Praise their efforts and help them grow in self-assurance.
• If you are to guide your children wisely, it is necessary to know them intimately. As Level 3 children begin to think independently, they become more private. They are not the "open book" that they were at Level 2. You must work to keep the channels of communication open with them (without, of course, being intrusive).
• Here is a list of "conversation starters" suggested by psychologist Dr. Bruce Narramore. They represent areas in which you should be monitoring the development of your children. One way of using them is to tell your children how you felt when growing up-and then ask them to describe their own feelings.
  • The best/worst thing that ever happened to me was . . .
  • If I had a wish...
  • Grown ups...
  • My friends...
  • When I play...
  • How I feel about school...
  • If I had a hundred dollars...
  • When l grow up I want to...
  • If I were a parent I'd...
  • Three things I like best about myself are...
  • Three things I like least about myself are...
  • If I could be anyone in the world...
• To open a child's mind to the perspective of Level 4, you may want to read together such works as C. S. Lewis' The Chronicles of Narnia (for younger children) or Perelandra (for older children). Discuss the real meaning of words like "noble" and "holy." Introduce your children to the historical heroes of the faith and help them understand that the power of a deed done for Christ outlasts time (Heb. 11; cf. 1 Cor. 3:10-15).