Chapter 1: God's Plan For Marriage

Key Scripture: "So they are no longer two, but one " (Matt. 19:6).

Marriage is serious business. The choice of a marriage partner is perhaps the most important decision to be made in life. Other crucial decisions are affected according to one's marital status goals, finances, friends, career, and family. No other relationship so greatly influences every other area of life. And since marriage is such an integral part of society, it is important to know how the world perceives it.

First and foremost, marriage is a contract, which legally binds the husband and wife to each other and to the state. The state controls whom a person may marry and under what circumstances. It also addresses the relationship of the husband and wife to some degree. Originally, under many state laws, the husband was designated as head of the family and controller of all community property. However, marriage laws are being reexamined today as a direct result of the women's rights movement and same-sex partnerships.

In a traditional marriage, the roles of the couple are based on a division of labor. The husband is responsible for financially supporting his wife. In return, she is expected to keep the home, prepare the meals, and care for the children. Tasks are divided into men's work and women's work. For that reason, many people see traditional marriages as too limiting.

This is especially true for many married women who are part of the vast workforce today. In fact, women with children are more likely to have jobs outside the home than women without children. Therefore, childcare must be delegated and household chores shared. A recent Gallup poll reveals that women today believe an ideal life consists of a husband, children, and a full-time career. Two-thirds of evangelical Christian women agree. Only ten percent of the women polled want to stay home with the children.

A Christian marriage begins with vows to one another and to God. Mutual love, honor, and commitment are covenanted for a lifetime. Yet often the marriages of Christians are shattered by divorce just like those of people not committed to Christ. Perhaps your own marital boat has capsized and is ready to sink. Don't give up! This course is designed to get you in direct contact with the Master Builder who made your marriage craft. You will learn biblical principles that will enable you to ride the waves safely, even through the fiercest storm. And as you and your spouse sail joyfully into the harbor, you will be so glad that you did not "jump ship."

Life Application: With your spouse, list the jobs that are done around the home. Identify which one of you is responsible for each. Are your roles traditional, or does the division of labor reflect changing roles? How have your roles changed as your marriage has matured?

Key Scripture: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her . . . " (Eph. 5:25).

The Biblical Foundation

For Christians, marriage is a covenant made between two persons and God. A couple promises their mutual love, honor, and commitment for a lifetime before witnesses and God. If it all starts with the vows, what happens after you say, "I do"? What blueprints and tools are needed for a marriage under construction? Is there a manual to help with the maintenance?

First of all, the Bible specifies the Builder: "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain" (Ps. 127:1). Jesus Christ must be the builder of any successful marriage. Second, it suggests the best construction method: "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock" (Matt. 7:24). Listening to and obeying the words of Jesus are the mortar and bricks that are used to construct a permanent marriage. Third, the Bible is the most accurate marriage manual available: "All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness." Any wise person consults the manufacturer's manual for specific directions. So an important key in maintaining your relationship and in preventing marital problems is knowing the Bible and putting that knowledge into practice.

Jesus promises that if you will be a wise builder, your marriage will stand against the flood of problems that threaten from without. "The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock" (Matt. 7:25).

The Role of Salvation

The most critical question you will ever have to answer is: "What are you doing with Jesus?" For "salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved" (Acts 4:12). Many people are born again, but never experience the joy of knowing Jesus on a personal, day-by-day basis. Asking Jesus to save you and inviting him to stay as a permanent resident is an important decision, comparable to buying insurance protection.

The greatest single financial investment you will probably ever make is the purchase of your family home. To insure such an important investment, you should have the best possible protection. Fire insurance is not enough. What you need is a comprehensive homeowner's policy that will cover everything. Yet many Christians go through life using salvation as only a fire insurance policy. Having been saved at some previous time, they feel that their premium is paid in full and they are saved from the fires of hell. However, their lives show little or no change after professing Jesus as Savior.

Jesus call to discipleship is to make him both Savior and Lord of your life. You cannot expect all of your marital problems to disappear simply by deciding to put Jesus first. Yet you can expect to be able to rejoice through the ups and downs of life. With his guidance, you will make more good choices and fewer bad judgments in marriage (Prov. 4:11). With Jesus as Lord of your life, you can have the assurance that even when hard times come, God will turn them around for your good (Rom. 8:28).

The Role of the Holy Spirit

Sam's palms were sweaty as he gripped the steering wheel. Beads of perspiration ran in little rivulets down his cheeks. As the car inched along, he replayed the day in his mind: his boss had been in a terrible mood; he had lost two big sales; he was late; the temperature was in the nineties; and the car’s air conditioner had quit. Arriving home, Sam bounded inside, anticipating the cool, peaceful atmosphere of home.

"Hi, Honey, I'm home!" Jane never moved from the kitchen chair. She smiled wanly and barely spoke. Thoughts bounced around in his brain. "I don't need this. My day has been awful. I thought when I got home..." In the midst of his jumbled thinking, Sam whispered a quick prayer, "Lord, only you know what's wrong here. Please give me discernment. I need your wisdom." Almost without realizing it, Sam put his arm around Jane and asked, "Honey, what's bothering you?"

"Oh, Sam," Jane cried, "Joey is being moved to a new foster home. He won't be in my class anymore. Just when he was beginning to feel good about himself. Oh, Sam. . . . " Jane sobbed as she buried her face in his shoulder. Sam was so glad that he had not spoken hastily. Without the discernment of the Holy Spirit, he could have really wounded Jane. He realized his problems could wait. Sam recalled the many times when the situation had been reversed. Then Jane had been quick to discern his need for consolation.

Very few Christians realize that the resident Holy Spirit is the greatest marriage counselor possible. Not only does he counsel (John 14:16), but he teaches (John 14:26), encourages (Acts 9:31), and prays for you (Rom. 8:27). He will reveal practical ways to obey him; and as you mature spiritually, his fruit will be evident in your life (Gal. 5:22-23). Each fruit is a manifestation of the character of Jesus. The most important one is love, upon which all the others depend. God wants you to develop a lifestyle built around the fruit of the Spirit.

In addition to the fruit, God gives the supernatural gifts of the Spirit to edify the body of Christ (1 Cor. 12:7-10). These gifts are given "for the common good" (v. 7). They are available in your marriage to minister to one another. The Holy Spirit delights in helping you, but you must ask! "If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" (Luke 11:13).

Christ and the Church

If you could choose an ideal mate, what kind of person would you select? Probably your deepest longing is to find someone who loves you unconditionally; who thinks you are precious; and who, if necessary, would give up his or her very life for you.

When our heavenly Father drew up the guidelines for marriage, he kept those needs in mind. Jesus compared his relationship with the church to that between a bride and bridegroom. Christians are to love their mates in the same way that Christ loves the church. "This is a profound mystery but I am talking about Christ and the church" (Eph. 5:32). And what a mystery it is! The finite love between a husband and his wife is compared to God's infinite love for his people. "For your Maker is your husband the Lord Almighty is his name" (Isaiah 54:5).

Imagine a triangle with God at the apex, the husband at one corner, and the wife at the other. As they move upward toward God, they draw increasingly closer to each other. The closer they get to the source of love, the better able they are to love and encourage one another.

Christlike love is the basis for the marriage relationship, in which the two become "one flesh." Christ feels the deepest form of intimacy for his bride. He gave himself "to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless" (Eph. 5:26-27). No human relationship can attain that level of holiness. But as couples follow Christ's example, their relationship becomes far richer and more satisfying than they ever dreamed possible.

A husband should be willing to love his wife enough to lay down his life to protect her. This kind of sacrificial love was demonstrated by Jesus when he gave up his life for his bride (John 10:15). Although Paul is specifically addressing the husband, the wife should likewise be committed to her husband loving him unconditionally and sacrificially. "If we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us" (1 John 4:12).

Life Application: With your spouse consider some ways in which the Holy Spirit might counsel you in your marriage. How might the gifts and fruit of the Spirit enhance your relationship? First Corinthians 14:1 says "eagerly desire spiritual gifts." What gifts do you desire most of all for your marriage?

Key Scripture: "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love " (1 Cor. 13:13).

The Role of Love

Bob and Carolyn sat on the old swing just soaking up the sights and sounds. It was the middle of spring and everywhere the world was green bursting with life. Dusk had settled and everything was clothed in somber shades. Crickets sang tunelessly while moths gathered around the street light. Carolyn was the prettiest girl in the whole school and popular too. Bob thought, "I have to have this girl. " Carolyn looked adoringly at Bob as he held her hand. "I love you, " he whispered.

On the other side of the street, Madge had just tucked in her three children (all under the age of five). What a day! Each one of her "joys" had outdone himself. Madge, a single mom, was ready to fall into bed herself. Suddenly, a little voice piped up, "Mommy, I love you! Could I have a drink of water? "

Across town at the Centerville nursing home, William was saying goodbye to Sally, his wife of 45 years. Sally lay near death, her mind ravaged by Alzheimer's disease never knowing that it was her William standing by her bedside. He bent over, kissed her withered cheek, and said, "I love you, Sal."

What is love? In our culture, that might depend on which song you're listening to at the moment. A great majority of popular songs either contain the word "love " or allude to it in some way. Today love is used to sell everything from toothpaste to automobiles. Its definition ranges from really "like " to really "lust after." The English language seems insufficient to define love adequately. But the Greek language has three words that help us define the various aspects of love.

Eros love is romantic and passionate. It was much extolled in Greek culture. Although eros is not found in the New Testament, the concept is clearly portrayed in the Song of Solomon. It yearns to possess the beloved. Eros love inspires a romantic climate in which you can express physical intimacy with your spouse. Eros loves because the object is worthy or attractive. For that reason, it cannot be sustained over a period of time unless the other forms of love accompany it.

In a marriage, philia love (Titus 3:15) is the close friendship that cherishes the beloved. There is mutual sharing in a best-friend relationship, where each can communicate their thoughts and dreams. Philia love is reciprocal; each expects something from the other. In a deeper sense, philia love allows your partner to share in your innermost feelings - the real you.

Agape love (Rom. 5:8) is concerned with the highest welfare of the beloved. It is the same love spoken of in John 3:16. Agape is an act of the will and does not depend on feelings. Since God is the source of agape love, it persists when other love fades. Agape love is unconditional, productive, sacrificial, humble, a permanent commitment, a choice, and a total involvement.

In a marriage relationship all three kinds of love are necessary. The partners should be best friends open and willing to share everything (philia). Add to that the dimension of passionate and romantic love (eros), which keeps the marriage alive and vital. The glue that holds them all together is Christ-like love (agape), which doggedly loves when you do not feel romantic and is friendly on those days you do not want to be anybody's best friend.

First Corinthians 13 gives a beautiful description of what agape love is and what it is not. The book of Proverbs illustrates these contrasts.

Love Is . . . Love Is Not . . .

Patient Impatient (Prov. 14:29)
Kind Unkind (Prov. 11:17)
Grateful Envious (Prov. 14:30)
Modest Boastful (Prov. 27:2)
Humble Proud (Prov. 13:10)
Gentle Rude (Prov. 15:1)
Undemanding Selfish (Prov. 18:1)
Peaceful Irritable (Prov. 12:20)
Forgiving Bitter (Prov. 14:9-10)
Truthful Deceitful (Prov. 16:13)
Protective Ruthless (Prov. 11:16)
Trusting Suspicious (Prov. 22:19)
Hopeful Disheartened (Prov. 23:18)
Persevering Slothful (Prov. 12:11)
Successful Defeated (Prov. 16:3)

Real love means giving and not taking; it means being vulnerable and open. Nowhere in the marriage relationship is there room for self-protection or selfishness. It is not love's purpose to manipulate or outdo the partner. Love's sole purpose is to build one another up.

Commitment in Marriage

Harry sat across from June in the counselor's office. Dr. Gordon listened intently and asked a pertinent question from time to time. It was apparent that Harry was sincere in his commitment to both June and the marriage. June, however, admitted that she had never been able to stick to anything. A long succession of jobs on her work record verified that when the job or boss presented conflicts, she moved on to something else.

"I was sure that marriage would be different. I loved Harry so much at first, but now I'm beginning to wonder..." Her voice trailed off, and she began to remember other things. June had stopped attending church regularly and had dropped her Bible study group altogether. Harry had encouraged her to go with him, but she always had an excuse. Then it dawned on her, "I have neglected my greatest commitment to my Lord. "

One or both marriage partners may not always feel a need to be committed to either the Lord or to each other. Although unspoken, this thought may be lying just under the surface: "If this doesn't work out, I can always get a divorce. " But a successful marriage requires two committed people.

The passionate emotions that carry a person from the engagement through the wedding are fleeting. The honeymoon cannot last forever. As individual personalities begin to emerge, little quirks can grow to be big irritants. But sometimes it is not the differences; it is the sameness. Couples who get into a rut or take each other for granted end up saying, "What am I doing in this relationship? "

Many people enter marriage with stars in their eyes, believing that happiness is theirs at last. The vows are often lost beneath all the glitter of the wedding ceremony. They spend less time studying their marriage contract than the contract on a new car. Unlike an automobile, a marriage has no warranty, no service contract and no license renewal. From a worldly perspective, there are absolutely no assurances that the union will be successful. But if each partner makes a commitment, first to the Lord (Mark 12:30) and then to each other (v. 31), the success of the marriage will be guaranteed.

Commitment is a choice to stay together with the express purpose of making the other partner happy; a choice to forgive little slights or huge hurts as often as necessary; a choice to have faith in the lasting quality of the union; a choice to help your partner develop his or her talents and gifts while developing your own. It is maturing together while keeping your individuality. Commitment is building a marriage that stays together through any situation, conflict, or season. A beautiful relationship takes commitment and time a very long time.

If you are married, take time to renew your vows to God and your spouse. If you are unmarried, look over the following contract carefully. Would you be willing to abide by it forever?

I, ___________ , take thee, _______________ , to be my lawful wedded (wife, husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my troth... With this ring I thee wed: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

Life Application: Pray together with your spouse over how agape love can solve any disagreements you might have.

Key Scripture: "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them " (Gen. 1:27).

In the Beginning

In Eden, Adam had wonderful fellowship with God, but God decided Adam needed a wife. In God's mind the provision had already been made. He gave Adam a divine anesthetic, took that specially prepared rib, and created Eve. When Adam woke up, he found a precious woman by his side. As he looked at his wife, Adam vowed, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh " (Gen. 2:23).

Adam and Eve had a marriage that anyone would envy. They were truly made for each other. Each accepted and rejoiced in their God-given roles. Adam valued his wife as the completer she was made to be. He marveled at her femininity and beauty. Eve had not been made as a duplicate of Adam, but as a wonderful complement who fit perfectly into his life and heart.

Eve loved being Adam's helpmate. As they walked in the coolness of the garden, she would discuss all the day's happenings. She felt loved and secure; there were no secrets between them. Eve was very grateful for this extraordinary creature to lavish all her love upon. With Adam's strong arms about her, she gave herself to him completely. And they rejoiced in the wonderful gift God had given them. These two happy people were unified physically, emotionally, and spiritually. How could anything possibly go wrong?

At first sight, Eve was fascinated by the brilliance of the serpent. Adam was equally impressed, especially when the creature spoke. "Did God really say, You must not eat from any tree in the garden? " (Gen. 3:1). His basic question "Can you really trust God? "still echoes down through time. Eve's answer was only a half-truth, for God had said not to eat of the fruit. She had added, "You must not touch it " (v. 3). Then the serpent insinuated that God was a liar. Hypnotized by his seductive words, Eve took a piece of fruit and bit into it. Adam, standing nearby, knew what God had said; yet he did not stop Eve. Worse yet, he joined her.

The precious unity of their relationship with each other and with God was destroyed. Disobedience brought division as they chose to follow their own individual wills rather than God's. Now the two of them (not God) would determine the goodness or wickedness of any action. But every choice has consequences. The consequences of their sin were very serious. From that time on, Eve's desire would be for her husband, and Adam's attention would be on his work (Gen. 3:16-19).

Satan's game is still the same - to entice you away from obeying God and to confuse his word (2 Cor. 11:3). He continues to destroy lives because people still choose to sin (Rom. 5:12). But rather than being intimidated by the devil, be assured that "the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world " (1 John 4:4).

Unity of Spiritual Goals

The apostle Paul exhorted the Colossian Christians to "be encouraged in heart and united in love " (2:2). A Christian couple, however, may find themselves spiritually disunited. Unfortunately, this discovery is often not made until later in the marriage. Suddenly the husband and wife find themselves with irreconcilable differences. The problems that surface make it painfully clear that the two never determined any spiritual goals for their marriage.

Before their vows are spoken, couples should decide the spiritual direction of their marriage. The first prerequisite is that both are believers. Then they should determine their goals jointly, with equal input from both partners. The important decisions cannot be relegated to the "more spiritual partner." Goals should be determined only after much thought and prayer. "Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior " (Ps. 25:5).

Remember: your spiritual goals will not be exactly like anyone else's. The following are merely suggestions:

• We will glorify God and promote his kingdom in our marriage.
• We will totally commit ourselves to each other for a lifetime.
• We will have children to honor God and enrich our lives.
• We will train up our children in the ways of the Lord.
• We will have daily devotions and pray together.
• We will attend church as a family.
• We will be good stewards of our financial resources.

It is never too late to decide on spiritual goals for your marriage. God desires that the two of you walk in unity as an example for the world. Think of the young married couples that you know. Perhaps one of them is looking to you for a "model " marriage.

God's Master Plan

Everything God does is according to his Master plan; he does nothing by chance. As he said to Jeremiah, "I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (29:11). Just as there are no duplicate snowflakes, there are no "cloned " persons. God created Adam and Eve as unique, individual personalities, each capable of choosing good or evil. Adam's duty was to provide for the family, and Eve's was the bearing of children.

In the creation of Adam and Eve, God revealed his plan for marriage. It is to be monogamous and heterosexual - one man with one woman for a lifetime. The physical union is always to be within the bounds of marriage. It is to be a total sharing of everything. The nakedness of Adam and Eve symbolizes the openness and vulnerability that should be part of the total intimacy of marriage (Gen. 2:25). Marriage is to be joyous, and sex is to be a loving, creative act that is good in God's sight.

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). Leaving always precedes cleaving. A young man anticipating marriage should become financially independent of his parents. This is an important step toward the responsibility of establishing his own home and family. Cutting the umbilical cord with parents is necessary to get a couple's priorities in order. The ties to be broken are emotional as well as physical. Parents are not to be forsaken, but their roles must change.

Cleaving means to adhere or stick to like glue. It is the permanence factor in the marriage a joining for life (1 Cor. 7:10-11). Marriage defies the laws of mathematics: one plus one equals one. It is the blending of two very distinct personalities without either losing their identity. Cleaving involves the totality of each person - intellectual, emotional, physical, and spiritual. Cleaving insures faithfulness in spite of adverse circumstances.

Three ingredients are absolutely necessary for a successful marriage: love, trust, and responsibility. Success in marriage is more than finding the right person. It is a matter of being the right person.

Life Application: Consider the following questions on goals and values. Perhaps they will help you to pinpoint your own goals.

1. List three goals you would like to reach in the following areas: spiritual life, education, career, communication, sex life, finances, leisure time, and social life.
2. How do you plan to achieve your goals? Be specific.
3. How do your goals differ from those of your partner?
4. How do you plan on resolving these differences?
5. What were the goals of your parents? Are they worthy of imitation?
State in your own words what your spiritual goals are as a couple.
Prioritize them, and be able to confirm each goal with Scripture. Are there some you need to amend? Are there other goals you would like to add?