Chapter 6: Challenges to Married Life

Key Scripture: "The Lord said to me, ‘Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites’" (Hos. 3:1).

Change

Stressful changes can occur in a marriage that may determine how you will live out next year and perhaps the rest of your lives. Change comes in every shape, size, and degree, but basically there are three types:

Anticipated changes are events that you expect to happen, such as a wedding or the birth of a baby. These are often happy changes that are planned in advance.

Unexpected events, such as caring for an aging parent or getting a divorce, completely disrupt your life. These types of change often seem overwhelming.

Unfulfilled expectations are changes you hoped for that didn’t come to pass, such as being able to retire or owning your own home. When you suddenly realize that you will never attain your goal, discouragement often sets in, followed by hopelessness.

This chapter will discuss some real challenges to your marriage. These are but a few of the battles that must be fought to preserve your home and family. To be victorious will require a ferocious fight! But as a good soldier you are being led by your King, who assures you that the battle has already been won (1 Cor. 15:57). So stand your ground against the enemy as you "overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" (Rom. 15:13).

Unfaithfulness

It is possible for a marriage to survive an adulterous affair, but often the participants wonder if the struggle is worth it. If an affair does not destroy a marriage, it certainly bends the relationship almost to the breaking point. Nobody escapes emotional injury —the "love triangle," children, family, friends, fellow employees, and even the church.

To adulterate is to make impure or of less quality by corrupting or debasing with something of less value. Adultery is exactly that. The marriage bed is pure until a corrupting influence is brought into the relationship. Because of the seriousness of the offense, God included a specific mandate against adultery in the Ten Commandments (Ex. 20:14). It's punishment echoes the gravity of the act: "Both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death" (Lev. 20:10).

Like all other sins, adultery begins in the heart (Matt. 15:19). Jesus said that "anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matt. 5:28). Many people who are caught up in an affair wonder, "How could I have let this happen?" The answer is that it began in the first lustful thought that was allowed to stay and grow.

Perhaps the biggest change that comes over an adulterous partner is in their personality. The unsuspecting partner may feel that they are living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. A guilty wife may scream at her children or neglect them altogether. A guilty husband may begin to nag his wife about her housekeeping or the way she looks. One of the most hurtful things in a marriage is to have a mate emotionally and/or physically withdraw. Some are able to maintain a physical relationship, but the guilty party’s heart is definitely not in it. Their emotions are frozen; all warmth and intimacy have evaporated.

Adultery is a sin not only against the spouse, but also against God himself (2 Sam. 12:13). When David repented over his adulterous liaison with Bathsheba, he cried out to God, "Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight" (Ps. 51:4).

Take heart! Even if you have sinned through adultery, there is forgiveness. It is not the unpardonable sin. Do you remember the woman brought to Jesus who had been caught in the very act? "‘Then neither do I condemn you,’ Jesus declared. ‘Go now and leave your life of sin" (John 8:11). Note that he admonished her to leave her sinful life. After the recognition of sin must come repentance. "Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters...will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God" (1 Cor. 6:9-11). The blood of Jesus can wash away any sin including adultery.

Life Application: Read Hosea chapters 1-3 in which the adultery of Gomer symbolizes the adultery of God’s people. In spite of his wife’s waywardness, God commands Hosea to continue loving his wife and, finally, to be reconciled to her. The prophet literally had to buy her back. This picture of divine love provides the biblical pattern for reconciliation, even for the sin of adultery. How can you extend such unconditional love to your spouse, no matter what the challenge?

Key Scripture: "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers" (1 Peter 3:7).

Probably the greatest difference between men and women is the ability of women to bear children. Therefore, a woman’s menstrual cycle has a great influence on her life. It is important that the husband understands its dramatic effect on his wife. During the 28 days between each ovulation, a woman’s moods may fluctuate drastically. Approximately six days prior to her menstrual period, a woman’s estrogen level drops, and she may become very moody. A husband may not realize why she is jittery or depressed, when just a few days ago she was happy and lovable. But the good news is that a woman’s period happens only once a month and its effects can be minimized.

For many women, the time preceding the period can be traumatic. Doctors call this complex of problems Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS). With the recognition of this problem has come the establishment of clinics that specialize in helping women who suffer from Premenstrual Syndrome.

The reaction of husbands to the swinging moods of their wives can range from "interesting " to "unbearable." Each reacts differently to his wife'’s monthly cycle. Men who do not understand what is going on may feel inadequate. They may despair, blaming themselves for the change in their relationship. These emotions lend themselves to a sense of failure. And when either spouse feels they have "failed," trouble is not far away.

This is why it is so important to build up each other beforehand. Shore up those sagging egos. The husband should tell his wife that he still loves her and supports her, even when her emotions have gone awry. This is the time for him to minister a lot of tender loving care (TLC). She, in turn, should warn her husband that it is her time of month again and that her mood swings are certainly not his fault. Even though husbands and wives will have misunderstandings because of their differences, Scripture encourages them to "live in harmony with one another" (1 Peter 3:8). If a couple prepares, the effects of PMS will be minimized.

Menopause

During the middle years women experience menopause. Some women seem to "breeze through" this time with great ease, experiencing few symptoms or none at all. Others are not so fortunate. Their symptoms may be physical as well as emotional. They may suffer hot flashes, vertigo, headaches, extreme depression, and memory loss. Any older woman experiencing these or other symptoms should be under the care of a competent physician and a very loving husband.

Life Application: As a husband, be aware of your wife’s monthly cycle so you won’t be caught off guard by her hormonal changes. Be compassionate and tender through these times. Plan special occasions, such as vacations, around her periods. As a wife, communicate with your husband about your physical and psychological changes. As a couple, pray for added grace to get you through this time each month.

Key Scripture: "Do not take me away, O my God, in the midst of my days; your years go on through all generations" (Ps. 102:24).

This special time in the middle of life
Seems to be filled with trouble and strife.
Our youngest child has just left the nest,
Which turned into another big test.
My wealth of gray hair outnumbers the brown
And Hubby tries hard to cover his crown.

Dad wants all his food cholesterol free,
Which makes it hard on the cook— - that’s me.
And all of Mom’s food must be free of salt,
But I can’t complain—it’s nobody’s fault.
For I'’m just here in the middle of life,
Parenting parents and being a wife.

Mid-Life Crisis

One of the most devastating challenges to marriage is the mid-life crisis. This phenomenon may have been around for centuries, but its frequency seems to have multiplied greatly in recent years. Many factors in modern society have contributed to this:

• We worship youth and disdain the old.

• We are overly obsessed with our physical bodies.

• We are work-oriented.

• We have too much leisure time.

• We put a premium on having the "best."

• We expect everything instantly.

• We live to please ourselves.

It is impossible to determine who will have a mid-life crisis. But most experts, as well as those who have gone through it, agree that when certain issues have not been resolved earlier in life, an individual may be prone to a crisis later. These matters may include a family that was distant and uncommunicative. Perhaps the parents were unable to demonstrate unconditional love, or they demanded top performance in exchange for approval. A lack of values in the home and the modeling of irresponsible behavior must also be reconciled by a person in mid-life. A mid-life crisis usually takes place in men, although women may experience it, too. It can happen any time between the ages of 35 and 50. Forty seems to be a pivotal point for many people.

When a man turns 40, he tends to evaluate his whole life. Unless he feels totally successful by that age, he believes that he may never succeed because time is running out. His body is beginning to show wear and tear. He is paying for a home mortgage, college tuition, braces, and a hundred other responsibilities. A man in mid-life crisis often perceives four enemies— - his body, his work, his wife and family, and, finally, God. One day he looks at his wife and thinks, "She’'s old! I need to start over; I want to just run away!" And some do run away, leaving behind devastation and despair. Unable to resolve his problems, the middle-age runaway may spend the rest of his life looking for a way to ease the pain of his guilt.

What are you to do if your mate is deserting your family? First of all, encourage your spouse to go with you for help. A pastor trained in counseling is a good choice. If your spouse is not a believer, he may rebel at this suggestion. Then seek a reputable Christian marriage counselor. If a spouse is intent on leaving and will not seek counsel, you have no choice but to put them into the Lord’s hands. The deserted partner should intercede in prayer on behalf of the wayward wife or husband (James 5:16). Many marriages have been restored through the powerful prayers of a faithful spouse. God is for marriage; he wants to keep the relationship intact. He alone can bring healing to the family members left behind—and to the runaway.

Parenting Parents

The population age profile of Americans is changing drastically. In the early 1900s, people seldom lived out their allotted three score and ten years; only the very tough survived. But today, with advances in medicine and nutrition, the percentage of senior citizens in our overall population has increased dramatically. Rising Social Security and Medicare costs have many people wondering how society will care for them. America’s attitude toward aging has done a complete turn around; age is now feared rather than revered!

Yet the older generation possesses wisdom, grace, and a dignity that can only come from a long life. In a secure environment, elderly people reflect the love around them. Many of them are cheerful and witty. Not all old people suffer from senility. In fact, doctors are discovering that what appears to be senility may really be symptoms of other things—improper medication, dehydration, inadequate nutrition, or hormone imbalance.

Many other myths abound concerning old age. Among them are that the elderly are useless and powerless, and that old age is a disease! These beliefs only add to the prejudice against the elderly. People often treat them in a condescending manner or rudely address them by their first names. Stripping them of their dignity is not only thoughtless, but also cruel. Furthermore, senior citizens are made to feel worthless by society. As a result, many former extroverts become very introspective over their circumstances. Depression is one of the major reasons for the high suicide rate among the elderly.

Therefore, it is extremely important to assure elderly parents of their self-worth. One way is to give them the security of staying in their own environment. There they have familiar surroundings where they can maintain old patterns and habits. A family member living nearby is very valuable to an elderly person. But if your parents must live with you, make their surroundings as familiar as possible. Even though your furnishings may be nicer, your loved one will be more comfortable with some things from home. Include your elderly parents as much as possible in family affairs. Encourage close relationships between your parents and your children. Grandchildren are often intrigued by tales of the "good old days, " and grandparents feel special telling about them.

Everyone needs to be useful in some way. Because they are no longer producing an income, some in the later years believe they are useless. It is important to keep older people busy with hobbies and interests, even when they suffer from poor health. If you are parenting a parent, you must invent useful activities for them to do. Political campaigns always need people to stuff envelopes or stand outside the polls handing out literature. Hospitals often welcome volunteers of any age to deliver mail or flowers to patients. Churches always need help with folding bulletins or sending out mailings. For those senior citizens who physically cannot do anything, encourage them to become part of a prayer chain, for everyone can pray.

If it becomes necessary to place your parent in a nursing home, you need to check the facility very carefully. Some of the things to look for are listed below:

• Is there an atmosphere of cheerfulness?

• Are the attendants interested in what the residents say?

• Do they seem to have enough staff members?

• Is the facility clean?

• Is someone available to feed residents who are incapacitated?

• Is the resident’s call answered immediately?

• Does the staff treat the residents in a loving manner?

• Does each staff member treat the residents courteously?

• Does their physician specialize in geriatrics?

You might also consult the families of current residents, or ask a local geriatrics specialist for a recommendation. "They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, ‘The Lord is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him " (Ps. 92:14-15). The biblical answer to advancing years is not euthanasia, but continued fruitfulness. The graying of America is presenting a new challenge to the church and to Christian marriages. As always, God’'s Word gives us the answers to respond in a Christlike way.

Life Application: Is something amiss in your marriage? Look first at yourself. Is there a negative attitude that is affecting your relationship with your spouse? Are you a loving, supportive mate, or are you concerned with meeting your own needs first? Pray for God'’s help to change. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any source of contention, and write it down. Then pray for wisdom in developing a plan to deal with it. If necessary, seek help from your pastor or a marriage counselor to reconcile and restore your marriage.

Key Scripture: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance" (James 1:2-3).

Temptation

Temptation reared its ugly head in the Garden of Eden in the guise of a beautiful creature. Equality with God was offered to Eve if she would only eat of the forbidden fruit. This blasphemous temptation has not diminished with time. It comes in many modern varieties, particularly in the New Age— "Be at one with the universe." Any person whose beliefs pull God down to the human level has been seduced by the great tempter.

God has given each of us a free will. If you are wondering why he did so, remember that we were created in his image. He does not force us to obey, but instead freely allows us to choose his will. Like a road map, his perfect will guides us to the best life here on earth and assures our future trip to heaven. God does allow us to detour along the way, but numerous signs keep pointing back to the best route. God even allows us to ignore the map completely. That is ultimate free choice!

Jesus himself was tempted after a 40-day fast in the wilderness. Satan came to him with three kinds of temptations—giving in to physical needs, testing God by defying natural laws, and accepting world power (Matt. 4:1-11). Satan not only tried to use Jesus’ weakened condition to his advantage, but he also quoted Scripture to support his appeals. But Jesus knew how to say NO and mean it. Because our Lord was victorious over his temptations, "he is able to help those who are being tempted" (Heb. 2:18).

So do not be surprised at any of Satan’'s tactics; he will do anything to deceive you. "Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light" (2 Cor. 11:14). We must be aware of the source of our temptations. "Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed" (James 1:14). God does not tempt us; he only gives good and perfect gifts (James 1:13, 17). He does, however, promise that he will not allow us to be tempted beyond our endurance. "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man" (1 Cor. 10:13). Thus, victory is assured if we persevere.

Falling Away

"Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose" (Phil. 2:12-13). Salvation is not just one glorious moment when you ask Jesus Christ into your life. True, you are saved the moment you invite him in. But working out your salvation takes a lifetime. You work it out in your marriage, in your family, as a church member, on the job, and in every area of your life. Through the power of the Holy Spirit you daily become salt and light to those around you (Matt. 5:16).

Believers, both new and old, sometimes lose sight of God’s greatness. Even leaders fall away from their "first love" (Rev. 2:4). A Christian may begin to compromise on moral issues, comparing himself with the unsaved or with believers not committed to a holy lifestyle. If one of the following thoughts has occurred to you, you may be set for a spiritual fall.

• I’'m doing too much for God and not enough for myself.

• I deserve more from my marriage, job, etc.

• I don'’t know anyone who is quite as "spiritual" as I am.

The signs of falling away are not difficult to spot. You no longer want to be in the company of other Christians; instead you spend more and more time with unbelievers. You no longer want to attend church services where you will be forced to hear the Word and have fellowship with other believers. You neglect personal and family devotions. The Bible loses its significance for you. You cover up the voice of God with many activities and lose touch with the Holy Spirit. You begin to do things that would have been unthinkable in the past. Your vocabulary changes drastically. And, finally, you lose your compassion for unbelievers.

If you see any of these danger signals in yourself, repent. God wants to forgive you and bring you back into his fellowship (Isa. 55:7). Nowhere is this illustrated more beautifully than in the parable of the prodigal son. His father waited patiently until the "lost" son came to his senses. Then he welcomed him with open arms (Luke 15:11-24). You can easily recognize a stable Christian because he knows the source of his power (Acts 4:12), exhibits true humility (Num. 12:3), and daily recognizes Jesus Christ as Lord of his life and marriage (Ps. 96:7-9).

Testing

The apostle James wrote, "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him" (James 1:12). Many examples appear in the Bible of persons undergoing testing. Those who emerge as winners all have something in common: They trust in God and give him the glory for the victory.

Paul and Silas praised God while sitting in prison (Acts 16:22-34). Their cell was cold, damp, and dark. Their circumstances were not conducive to rejoicing. Both had been beaten and whipped. With bleeding backs and shackled feet, they began to sing. Their praises rang throughout the dungeon, wafting up to the first floor and out the open windows. Their song praised God simply for who he was. Whatever the words or the tune, God heard and enjoyed.

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God" (Ps. 42:5-6). Paul and Silas were living in the kingdom while locked inside the jail. God uttered his voice in reply to their praise, and the earth shook. Doors flew open, and prisoners were set free. People saw the awesome hand of God move in answer to praise.

In 2 Chronicles we see the importance of believing God’s word and praising him in advance. King Jehoshaphat stood before God with all of Judah. Surrounded by several armies, the people were powerless to defend themselves. Jehoshaphat presented their situation to the Lord, "For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you" (20:12). Suddenly the Spirit of the Lord came upon Jahaziel who prophesied, "‘You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you... Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you’ " (v. 17).

The next morning "Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying: ‘Give thanks to the Lord, for his love endures forever " (v. 21) Imagine sending the choir out ahead of the troops! As they began to sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes around Judah’s enemies. He caused them to kill each other, and Jehoshaphat’s men spent three days collecting the plunder!

While God never tempts us to sin, we are allowed to go through periods of testing. Remember: Only the lump of coal that has been put under extreme heat and pressure can become a diamond. Our character must be tried in the fire before we can become vessels worthy of honor. Your marriage will encounter testing and trials, but be assured that God’s grace is sufficient to overcome them. A happy, Christian marriage will be your reward, a prize worth more than all of Jehoshaphat'’s plunder.

Life Application: Make a list of the reasons why you rejoice.  Display your list in a visible place, perhaps on the refrigerator. Each time you pass it, praise the Lord for one of the items.