Chapter 8: Nurturing A Lifelong Marriage

Key Scripture: "Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready" (Rev. 19:7).

Cause for Celebration

God designed marriage for mutual enjoyment and to be a foretaste of heaven. It is a preparation for the future when the bridegroom comes to carry his bride away to heaven. As Christ is perfecting his spiritual bride, couples should strive toward perfecting their own relationship. Therefore, each day should be lived in joyful anticipation.

Marriage is exhilarating, peaceful, comforting, unsettling, tender, and emotional! And that is just the honeymoon! Your relationship gets better as more time and experiences are poured into it. Nothing compares to having someone who knows you inside and out— - who knows your moods, quirks, and warts—and still loves you.

As a young married couple, your goal should be your golden wedding anniversary. If you have celebrated this anniversary already, aim for your 75th. Each step along the way should draw you closer together until you are like two trees that have grown together as saplings. As the years pass, you become inseparable with leaves and boughs intertwined. Nourished from the same Source, the two of you will stretch toward heaven as one.

Implementing the fruit of the Spirit will nourish your marriage as it grows. Agape love, the most important of the fruit, covers a multitude of imperfections in both of you. The second of the fruit is joy; God planned for your marriage to be joyful. This is not the emotional happiness that comes from a new car, winning a lottery, or getting a good job. Real joy, whose source is the Holy Spirit, comes from within—a wellspring bubbling over and into your relationship. Other gifts are peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23). Each has a special place in your marriage.

As the Holy Spirit manifests himself in your lives, you will be able to truly celebrate your marriage. Begin to delight in each other as the Lord delights in you. "He will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" (Zeph. 3:17).

Romance

"Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like that of Lebanon" (Song of Solomon 4:11). Romance is as essential to a marriage as breath is to life. It is the vital sign that determines your marital health. However, romance means different things to different people. You cannot use the thermometer of another couple’s marriage to measure your own. Romance can be fun, passionate, and intense; it often is expressed in tender quiet acts of courtesy or cooperation. As a couple, you must set your own rules for romance, for what is romantic to one couple may seem silly to another.

A spouse who travels needs to make a special effort to maintain the romance in his or her marriage. It is especially important to keep in close touch through frequent calls, letters, and postcards. The purpose of your communication is to make your mate feel better; therefore it should be uplifting and cheerful.

Perhaps you feel that since you are married, you can stop dating. But dating is more essential to your relationship now than ever before, for dating keeps the relationship interesting and alive. Without dating it is much too easy to get into a rut and take your spouse for granted, especially if you have been married for a long time.

One way to revive a mundane marriage is to plan a surprise date. Tell your spouse the day, time, and type of clothes to wear. Do not plan something so expensive or elaborate that it puts a strain on your budget or your nerves. The purpose of the date is to enjoy yourselves by relaxing and focusing on each other. Use your best manners, lots of compliments, and light-hearted discussions. It is not the time to bring up the latest crisis at home or at work. Sometimes, however, the most romantic dates are unplanned. So be flexible—and ready for an unexpected lunch out, a quick excursion into the city (or country), or a phone call in the middle of a busy day. Cherishing your partner and every moment you spend together is the essence of romance. So think of your relationship as a continuing love affair.

Life Application: As you endeavor to maintain romance in your marriage, be creative! Learn what pleases your mate and try it. You may want to look over the activities listed below that other couples consider romantic. With your spouse, make up your own list.

• Walking in the moonlight
• Strolling in the park
• Dining by candlelight
• Sharing love letters
• Strolling along the beach
• Sending/receiving flowers
• Buying special presents
• Reading together
• Snuggling by the fire
• Watching a movie
• Camping out
• Listening to soft music
• Cuddling at bedtime
• Kissing goodbye (hello)
• Looking through a photo album
• Playing in the snow
• Walking in the rain
• Getting a back rub

Key Scripture: "Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases" (Ps. 103:2-3).

Christ, the ultimate Forgiver (Luke 23:34), has made us acceptable through the shedding of his own blood. Our sins have been forgiven according to the riches of his grace (Eph. 1:6-7). After God has removed our sins "as far as the east is from the west" (Ps. 103:12), he blesses us. We are then encouraged to go one step further in our forgiveness and ask a blessing for the one we have forgiven (Ps. 32:1).

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Eph. 4:32). A person with a forgiving spirit is not easily offended. But if a spouse (or someone else) does offend us, we are obliged to "forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins" (Mark 11:25). Here the law of reciprocity is at work, as forgiveness opens a channel through which God can communicate.

We are also encouraged to reaffirm our love toward the forgiven one, lest he or she "be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow" (2 Cor. 2:7). This is much easier to do with your mate than with someone who may have left your life forever or with someone who does not want to be forgiven. The Holy Spirit, our Restorer, desires that we do everything humanly possible to restore our broken relationships.

Forgiveness is a subject many Christians are not fond of discussing on a personal level. We want to hear about and receive God’s forgiveness; we feel good knowing that he has swept away our offenses like a cloud (Isa. 44:22). However, our interest in forgiveness usually ends at that point. We tend to embrace our own resentments and savor the sweet taste of revenge. Even doctors recognize a relationship between bitterness and disease. Sometimes physical sickness begins with a spiritual illness. Jesus confirmed this when he said, "Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’?" (Matt. 9:5). Unforgiveness destroys; forgiveness restores.

Forgiveness should never be false or superficial. Many times we say, "I forgive you," knowing full well we will never forget. Memories and accompanying resentments are sometimes stored up for decades. In order to retain our normalcy, we simply bury them deeper in the recesses of our minds. Many times we do forget the person, unless a similar situation arises or their name is mentioned.

The following example illustrates how superficial forgiveness works: Sometimes when a tooth is removed, the gum will heal over too quickly, leaving a covered hole. The dry socket is an excellent breeding ground for germs. In the darkness they work away unnoticed until pain signals that something is wrong. The gum must be reopened and drained before healing can occur.

In real forgiveness only God can drain away the bitterness from our lives. We need to pray for the Holy Spirit to reveal any past unforgiveness that may be lingering (Acts 2:38). One of the most difficult things we may ever do is to forgive ourselves. A truly destructive attitude is, "If only I had..." We should remember that often our choices were made with the enlightenment we had at the time. God does not expect us to carry around our burden after he has lifted it. Knowing that Jesus has forgiven us certainly makes it easier to forgive ourselves.

It is also important in our relationship with God that we forgive him for allowing unpleasant things to happen to us. (Did I blame God when my wife walked out? When my son ran away? When I lost my job?) Since we know that God is omnipotent, we are really blaming him for not intervening in our situation. For that attitude we must ask his forgiveness. Removing the barrier of unforgiveness reopens our communication with him.

The bottom line is: Keep Short Accounts. As soon as you realize you have offended someone— - your spouse, God, or someone else - —seek forgiveness immediately. If someone offends you, forgive them! Do not wait, for the longer you do, the stronger foothold Satan will have in your life. "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry" (Eph. 4:26).

Life Application: Check the forgiveness factor in your marriage. Continue to work on those areas in which you detect unforgiveness.

Forgiveness Unforgiveness

Is committed to mate Threatens relationship
Uplifts spouse Embarrasses spouse
Is cooperative Is stubborn
Is affectionate Is cold
Sees sex as unifying Withholds sex
Speaks lovingly Is sarcastic
Openly communicates Uses silent treatment
Loves unconditionally Holds resentment
Prays for offender Reminds of offenses
Exercises tough love Pouts angrily
Has confidence in God Wants revenge
Expects the best Is suspicious
Looks forward Feels self-pity
Keeps short accounts Remembers offenses

Key Scripture: "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds" (Heb. 10:23-24).

This lesson looks at four married couples in the Bible. Each account has been chosen because it points out specific principles that you may apply to your own relationship. Hopefully, you will be able to glean more principles as you read about these famous couples. As you discover God'’s principles for your marriage, be assured that you can put them into practice with the help of the resident Counselor, the Holy Spirit.

Abraham and Sarah

Abraham and Sarah are an example of a couple who weathered the storms of life by the grace of the Almighty and stayed together until parted by death (Gen. 23:1-2). They represent the perfect order of headship and submission (1 Peter 3:5-6). Abraham was head of his family, but both he and Sarah were in submission to God (Gen. 12:4-5). The couple had probably known each other since childhood and had married young. Abraham loved Sarah, for he did not abandon her when Sarah proved to be barren (15:2-3), a practice common in that day when procreation was the prime reason for marriage. They enjoyed a loving physical relationship, even in old age (21:2).

At God’s urging, Abraham left his home and set out for Canaan (12:1). At various spots along the way, God reaffirmed his promise and directed him to move on. Sarah had perfect confidence in Abraham because she knew he was a friend of God (Isa. 41:8). She was well aware of the covenant God had made with Abraham, because the promised heir was to come through them together (Gen. 17:19).

However, both of them failed— - Abraham with his deception in Egypt (Gen. 12:10-20) and Sarah with her decision about an heir, which (Gen. 16:20) Abraham did not override. After waiting for decades for the promised son, Sarah took the matter into her own hands. Instead of waiting on God, Sarah offered Abraham her handmaiden Hagar for the purpose of producing a child. As a result, Abraham'’s extramarital affair with Hagar brought discord into their marriage and resulted in the birth of Ishmael (16:15). To this day his descendants, the Arabs, "live in hostility" with the descendants of Isaac (16:12).

Their story does have a happy ending. At the age of 100, Abraham became the father of Isaac, and childless Sarah had a son at the age of 90. Through all of their mistakes God saw the faithfulness of their hearts. They are listed in the famous roll call of the faithful in Hebrews 11.

"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him. ‘So shall your offspring be.’ Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead - —since he was about 100 years old— - and that Sarah’'s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised " (Rom. 4:18-21).

Divine Order

Satan hates God’'s divine order, for it protects a marriage, not only physically, but spiritually. A man'’s role in headship is to protect and value his wife and family. Under the husband’'s authority, his wife is free to develop her own spiritual gifts. Unselfish service to one another creates an environment in which freedom may be enjoyed. The two, in turn, are in mutual submission to Christ (Eph. 5:22-28). But the husband has the primary responsibility for the family.

Priscilla and Aquila

Aquila and Priscilla first met Paul in Corinth where they had fled after the Emperor Claudius ordered all Jews to leave Rome. Paul was immediately drawn to the couple because they shared his exuberance for spreading the gospel. He stayed in their home working with Aquila and Priscilla in their tent making business (Acts 18:1-4). Corinth was a wicked city whose citizens worshipped Aphrodite, the goddess of love. Her temple attracted worshipers from all over the ancient world. Temple prostitution flourished, and sexual temptations were ever present. Despite this environment, the marriage of Priscilla and Aquila thrived.

When Paul sailed for Syria, Priscilla and Aquila accompanied him. When they got to Ephesus, however, they parted company for a time. Priscilla and Aquila established a church in their home there and attended the local synagogue as well. A special blessing came to their outreach in Ephesus. The couple heard the great teacher Apollos expounding the Scriptures in the synagogue. However, his understanding of God was limited. Priscilla and Aquila graciously invited him to their home where they shared with him the fullness of their faith (18:24-26).

But life for the Christians was not easy, for Ephesus was also a famous center of idol worship. Paul himself had barely escaped death during a riot of silversmiths who made images of the fertility goddess Artemis (19:23). Paul applauded Priscilla and Aquila for their courage (Rom. 16:3-4). The couple led exemplary lives in the midst of a stressful ministry. For they shared the gospel in a hostile environment while constantly moving from place to place.

Always mentioned together in the Bible, Priscilla and Aquila were unified, completing and complementing each other. The Lord was first in their lives, and they were obedient to the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Their love for each other was evident, because it overflowed to others in hospitality, sharing, teaching, and protectiveness. Priscilla and Aquila worked as an efficient ministry team accomplishing so much more together than they ever could have individually. Scholars have noted with interest that Priscilla'’s name is always mentioned first (except Acts 18:2). This suggests that Priscilla'’s gifts were more pronounced than her husband’'s. If this was the case, Aquila'’s supportive role toward his wife and her ministry is especially noteworthy.

Unity

Priscilla and Aquila had discovered the principle of agreement, which is most effective when practiced by a husband and wife under the leadership of Christ. They withstood the influences of the outside world, clinging to each other and an abiding faith in an unfailing God. One of the most significant attitudes of marriage partners is how they perceive themselves as a couple. Their most important perception is to see themselves as one. Other helpful suggestions for promoting the concept of agreement or unity follow:

• Pray for your unity with Christ.

• Give unselfishly to meet the needs of your mate.

• Share your dreams and goals.

• Spend quality time together.

• Build intimacy into your relationship.

• Be constantly aware of your partner’s needs.

• Value what he or she says.

• Confirm that he or she is God’s choice for you.

• Be an enthusiastic sex partner.

• Let him or her feel your affection.

• Allow trials to bond rather than separate.

• Have no secrets between you.

• Seek to give rather than receive.

• Listen carefully to determine what your spouse is feeling.

• Think often of your mate in romantic ways.

• Be faithful to your mate in your thoughts.

• Discover ways to meet your spouse’s needs.

• Be completely dependable and trustworthy.

• Stand together against outsiders.

• Never think of divorce as an option.

Ruth and Boaz

Although born into a pagan society in Moab, Ruth had married an Israelite and had fallen in love with his family and his God. When her husband, along with his brother and father, died, Ruth was left with her mother-in-law, Naomi. Unwilling to leave her, Ruth chose to return with Naomi to Bethlehem. "Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God" (Ruth 1:16).

It was very difficult for widows during that time, and the two came to Bethlehem penniless. Immediately Ruth went out to glean for leftover grain. She was an extremely hard worker who was grateful for the meager amount of grain she could pick up. Boaz, the owner of the field, was attracted to Ruth because of her loyalty, her willingness to work, and her boldness and faith in spite of a hopeless situation. As a result, Boaz, who was known for his generosity, offered her food when the harvesters ate. He also ordered his workers to leave good grain for her to pick up and told them to protect her.

Later, when Naomi discovered that Boaz was to be on the threshing floor, she felt it was time to remind him of his legal responsibility as a kinsman-redeemer. She advised Ruth to make herself presentable. At the right time and in an appropriate manner, she was to present herself to him. According to the custom, Ruth asked Boaz to cover her as a kinsman-redeemer. He responded favorably, flattered that this honorable woman would make the request of him. Subsequently, they were married, and Ruth conceived soon after.

While the circumstances surrounding their meeting may seem like a coincidence to unbelievers, Ruth was in the field of Boaz because of divine providence. God had already set his plan into motion for the birth of their great-grandson David. Centuries later, Jesus Christ would be born into the lineage of Ruth and Boaz.

A Love Story for All Time

This ancient story is timeless. A young widow (Ruth) and an older single (Boaz) kept themselves morally pure. Neither tried to run ahead of God or make things happen; they simply looked to the Lord for his provision. Happily, they discovered that God’s plans are so much grander than anything they ever could have dreamed. The book of Ruth is a love story in every sense: It shows the love of Ruth for her mother-in-law, a love for God, and finally, the love between a man and a woman.

God desires that your love story be written into a beautiful drama for everyone to enjoy. You and your spouse will be the main characters. God will provide the setting and the supporting actors and extras for the production of your lifetime. Your parts in this exciting extravaganza have already been written. Now your only concerns are to consult your Script daily and listen eagerly to the Director.

Esther

If you are married to an unbeliever, you can especially appreciate the story of Esther. Ahasuerus, the pagan king of Persia, dismissed his queen, then decided to hold a beauty contest to replace her. Through providential circumstances, Esther, a Jewess, became a candidate. Brought up under the godly influence of her cousin Mordecai (2:7), Esther submitted to life at the pagan court. To her credit, she asked for no special treatment (Est. 2:15). Her attitude and conduct was such that everyone in the palace favored her. King Ahasuerus was so enamored of Esther that he made her queen of Persia (2:17).

The wicked Haman, a favorite of the king, plotted to kill all the Jews through deception. Esther, upon hearing of the plot, felt helpless at first. Knowing that her very life was in danger, she nevertheless approached the king (5:1-3). God gave her wise words and favor with King Ahasuerus. As a result, Esther, walking by faith in a submissive spirit, was able to save her people. As a direct result, the Jews received special favor with the king and all were spared destruction. Her cousin Mordecai became great in Persia second only to King Ahasuerus. Esther realized that God had worked in her circumstances and had blessed her obedience. She had become fully persuaded that she was in those circumstances "for such a time as this " (4:14). Her faith in God had never wavered, though she was married to an unbeliever.

Attitude
A believer’s attitude toward an unbelieving or nominally Christian spouse can make or break the relationship. The apostle Peter encouraged women to win their husbands over by their behavior. No man, Christian or non-Christian, wants to live with a critical wife (Prov. 25:24). Negative attitudes will turn a husband away from the Lord—exactly the opposite of the wife’s desire.

Jesus personified the proper attitude toward both believers and unbelievers. He was selfless (Phil. 2:3, 4); secure (vv. 6-7); and submissive (v. 8). When a wife strives to be like Jesus, she becomes a woman of praise and thanksgiving, remembering to thank God before her miracle. As Jesus'’ light is reflected on her face, she may illuminate her husband’s path to the Lord.

Paul wrote the Corinthians about the importance of the Christian’s role in a "mixed " marriage: "And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband " (1 Cor. 7:13-14). The unbeliever is pre-evangelized through his or her relationship with the believing spouse.

Life Application: The following acrostic may help you make any spiritual "attitude adjustments " necessary for improving your marriage relationship:

Assure yourself often of God’s faithfulness (Ps. 73:25).
Thank him for his blessings (Ps. 75:1).
Thirst after truth (Ps. 15:2).
Increase your joy through praise (Ps. 30:4).
Trust God to provide for all your needs (Ps. 13:6).
Use every opportunity to witness of God’'s mercy (Ps. 25:6).
Discipline your lips to speak edifying things (Ps. 119:172).
Encourage others, even when you need encouragement (Ps. 10:17).

Key Scripture: "Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready...Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!" (Rev. 19:6-7, 9).

The Wedding at Cana

The place was Cana, and the event was a wedding feast (John 2:1-11). Jesus was in attendance along with his mother Mary and his disciples. During the festivities Mary discovered there was no more wine for the guests, a cause for embarrassment with the bride and groom and their families. But upon his mother’s request, Jesus performed his first miraculous sign. He turned six stone jars of water into vintage wine. This very practical act was done without attracting attention because Jesus did not want to detract from the happy occasion.

Several noteworthy items about Jesus stand out in this account:

• He considered marriage important and enjoyed weddings.

• He was a very sociable person.

• He was extremely practical.

• He never flaunted his power.

• He highly regarded his mother.

• No need was too basic for his help.

• Anything he touched automatically improved in quality.

• When he revealed his glory, his disciples believed in him.

People often think that God is not interested in their problems today. However, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" (Heb. 13:8). Our Lord is as deeply interested in your marriage today—the practical as well as the spiritual aspects—as he was in that of the young couple two thousand years ago.

The Wedding Supper of the Lamb

It is significant that Jesus began his earthly ministry at a wedding. Likewise, his eternal ministry will begin at a wedding—the marriage supper of the Lamb. The bridal price has been paid (Eph 5:25). The bridegroom, our Messiah, has won the victory over the enemy (Col. 2:15). He has gone to prepare a place for her (John 14:2-3) and is returning to claim his bride (the church), who is "without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish" (Eph. 5:27).

The guests anxiously await the announcement that the wedding is to begin. Their lamps are trimmed and ready for the procession to the feast (Matt. 25:1). No one knows the exact time, so all must be alert and ready (1 Thess. 5:6). Those who are unprepared will be unable to go inside (Matt. 22:11-12). But as our Key Scripture states, those who are invited and are ready will be blessed.

All of heaven’s choirs will sing praises to the Lord (Rev. 15:3-4). Each guest will be adorned with a priceless crown (2 Tim. 4:8) and "fine linen, bright and clean" (Rev. 19:8). But the greatest light of all will emanate from the bridegroom (Rev. 22:5) and be reflected on the face of his bride.

Until the time of Christ'’s return and the wedding supper of the Lamb, you have multiple opportunities to show Christ’s love in your own marriage: Christ loves his bride enough to give his life for her. He is in loving headship over her while in submission to the Father. Christ protects and builds up his beloved and highly esteems his bride. He has provided a suitable home for her. Can we do less for our own "gift from the Lord?"

Life Application: