God, why did this have to happen?
“There's like that panic that sets in of like, ‘please God, please God, no, this cannot be true. This cannot be happening.'” It was June 2021. Annalee and Bryan Tupy had just moved into a new house with their 9-month-old son, Desmond, when one morning she discovered Bryan, a police officer, dead in their garage. Annalee recalls, “My emotions were numb. Everything changes. Not only the shock of someone dying, you’ve got the trauma of finding them. And just desperation of like, how do I do this? What am I gonna do?”
Years before Bryan had been in a serious car accident. The constant pain, along with occasional bouts of PTSD from his time on the police force led to an addiction to alcohol and prescription pain meds. She recalls, “He just always felt like he could deal with it, he could cope with it. Watching that and seeing that and living with that, when you know that that's not who your person is, it was frustrating. It was disheartening. I strongly knew and believed that God was going to help us and heal him, that he wouldn't have to struggle with this.”
When their first child was born in late 2020, Bryan sought help and got sober. She says, “His attitude was better. He knew his health was better all around. And so, he enjoyed it. He enjoyed sobriety. He thought maybe I can do this long term. It was just a day at a time. I felt like, yes, this is the guy that I married. This is what it's supposed to look like. We had so much fun together.”
Until one drink at a party sent Bryan backsliding into addiction. Just a few days later, Bryan died from an accidental overdose. Annalee recalls, “I remember feeling so angry the next day in the shower, punching the shower wall. I don't care that God has a plan. That does not take away my reality. My 31-year-old husband just died. We have a nine-month-old. This is not what life was supposed to look like. We went to church. We were in Bible studies. We were checking all the check boxes in the right order that we were supposed to as Christians. And so, when this happened, felt like my world was rocked. I felt like God kind of abandoned me.”
In the days and weeks ahead, Annalee struggled to deal with her grief and anger. She says, “Something so simple could set me off because if Brian was here, things would look different. Grief does not go away. Grief, it changes. It does not...I wish it diminished. It's exhausting.” She says in her darkest moments, God carried her through.
Annalee says, “God hears it all. He feels it all. He knows anger. And so, it was comforting to be able to go to Him still with my anger with Him and know that He was just gonna sit with me in it. I remember one day, opening up my Bible and coming across Ecclesiastes seven. It talked about how good grief is and that the house of mourning is better than a house of laughter because a house of mourning is grateful and appreciative. And that's what I was feeling deep down. I had joy because I know God and I know His promises. But having God's word there to confirm it, of like this has happened to other people, you will get through it. I feel like God is sitting right next to me with His arm around me and just crying with me. And there's nothing more comforting than that.”
As she learned to navigate life as a single parent, Annalee says her perspectives changed, especially towards people in pain. “They don't necessarily want to hear all the things a Christian would typically maybe say. But I think we can show them who Christ is through our actions and providing food, providing gift cards, providing that physical support to watch their kids. I wanna show them Christ's love. And if that can plant even the smallest mustard seed to hopefully look to Him when times are hard. I hear people's story and I just feel for their pain much harder than I used to.”
Although Desmond never knew his dad, Annalee makes sure that he learns about Bryan and the love Bryan had for his son. She says, “I want to talk about Brian so Desmond can forever know his dad, who he was, the authentic man that he was, the goofy guy that he was. I mean, he was so many things to so many people. And I forever want to carry on that so Desmond can know who he was since he never truly got the chance to meet him and know him and love him as a son should. Brian, even though he's physically gone, he will forever remain in our lives.”
Annalee reminds us, that healing from loss is a day-to-day process that takes time, prayer, and trust in God. She says, “I would just want people to know it's okay to grieve. God feels your anger, He feels your sadness. He knows it's there. Give it all to God because He is there. He loves us. He's not gonna leave us. I have joy because I know God and I know the peace and redemption and love that He provides and that He brings and that brings me joy. I have our son, I have his family, I have my family, I have all of our friends. I've been blessed beyond measure in a lot of ways. So, I have joy because of all that. It’s encouraging to know, okay, ‘You're gonna use this somehow. I don't know how, but You're gonna use this and I trust You with that.”
