Harmonizing the Blended Family

NONTRADITIONAL FAMILIES

Non-traditional families (single parent families, single adult households, cohabitating couples, and blended families) now outnumber traditional families in the U.S., Canada, Australia, New Zealand and most European countries.

In fact, 40% of all married couples with children are blended families (also called stepfamilies). As the numbers for these families increase, people are asking for counsel in navigating the expectations and challenges of preparing to merge their families.

PREPARING FOR A BLENDED FAMILY

“When it comes to blended families, coupleness does not necessarily equal familyness,” shares Ron. In other words, it is important to remember that becoming a blended family involves much more than just the two of you.

If you are considering forming a blended family Ron suggests premarital counseling to strengthen the relationship. 75% of stepfamily couples don’t get premarital preparation. Yet, premarital preparation reduces the risk of divorce by 30%.

Another tool couples can utilize is a digital genogram online at https://blending.love/. This is commonly used by family therapists to help you examine your family history, relationship patterns and roles, ethnic influences and family behavior. The digital map can help you anticipate how your family will look and interact after the wedding. 

HEALTHY PARENTING/CO-PARENTNG

In blended families, the biological parent and stepparent must work to support one another. Ron gives the following tips on how to become a good team:
•    Biological parents must be the parent – until the stepparent has had time to develop a bond with the kids and earn respect as an authority, biological parents need to clearly be the authority.
•    Biological parents must pass authority to stepparents – make it clear to your children that the stepparent is an extension of their authority. 
•    Biological parents should build trust in stepparents – be open to the stepparent’s input. Consider the other’s point of view.
•    Stepparents should move into a relationship with the stepchild and discipline gradually – limits and boundary setting come from the biological parent. Stepparents keep trying to nurture a relationship with their stepchildren even if they get rejected. Once a strong bond is built between stepparent and stepchild a natural authority to teach, train, and discipline begins to grow.
•    Align your parenting strategies – this is a significant aspect of your family merger.

HOLIDAY TIPS TO BETTER MANAGE STEP-STRESS         

The holidays can be a hectic time of year. It can be even more challenging when you are trying to coordinate schedules, dinner plans, and Christmas gifts with the parents of three households. Ron offers some ideas to help you manage step-stress during the holidays*:

•    Plan– Be proactive. Coordinate your schedule with other households and family members. Get a spending budget and stick to it.
•    Parent 364 – Don’t get so caught up in the holidays trying to make it perfect that you forget what matters most to children is what happens the other 364 days a year.
•    Be aware of loyalty and loss – Children may have mixed reactions this time of year. Being with mom means not being with dad. Show them a little extra TLC and don’t punish them for being sad.
•    Honor traditions – Maintaining old traditions can be more difficult given the shifting presence of family members. Keep the ones you can and look for ways to establish new traditions if new family members are present.
•    Be flexible and make sacrifices – you may need to modify an old tradition. For example, open gifts a day before or after Christmas in order to ease between-home transitions for children.

•    Gift-giving tips: 
o    Do not compete with your ex-spouse by trying to buy a better gift or spend more money.
o    To avoid duplication, children can give a different wish list to each biological parent.
o    Do not buy a gift together with the ex-spouse. It sets up false expectations for the children and is not healthy for the remarriage. 

*https://smartstepfamilies.com/smart-help/marriage-family-stepfamily-stat...
* https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/blended-family/stepparents/st...