Five Ways to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship

Sara isn’t talking to her mother. Her mom promised to babysit her son and then broke her promise at the last minute. This has been a pattern with her mom and Sara knows she must address the issue. She is beginning to build resentment and feels she can no longer depend on her mom to be there for her.

Trust is such an important part of any relationship. When it is broken, repair must be made for the relationship to continue to grow. In order to rebuild trust, consider the following.

1. Do what you say. Keep your promises. Let your yes be yes and you no be no.

2. Empathize with the other person’s issue and try to see the problem from both sides. This is when you really need to talk. Sometimes we assume motive and don’t know the true problems behind an issue. Try to understand the other person’s world before you jump to conclusion or problem-solve.

3. When differences emerge and pain is associated with those differences, don’t dismiss the pain. Acknowledge it, empathize, and be there for that person. This is how you create a safe haven to work through differences. Sara’s mom was feeling trapped in the babysitting role but never brought up the issue.

4. When differences are expressed and that expression is negative, stay calm and listen to those feelings. Do not get defensive, turn away, or decide to avoid or make excuses. Stay in it. When you stay in the conflict, trust builds. The person learns that they can have issues and that you will stay in the relationship and work through those issues with them. This is what creates safety and a secure attachment. Sara was tempted to cut off the relationship before she really understood what was behind the problem. She decided to stay in it and talk about it instead.

5. Do not turn conflict into a win-lose argument or debate. American Idol’s Randy Jackson’s sentiment "He’s in it to win it" doesn’t fly with conflict. Disagreements aren’t about winning; they are about understanding. We aren’t in conflict to win it. Our aim is to understand the other, consider our part, and take responsibility where necessary. This is what creates a win-win outcome. In the end, Sara and her mom negotiated a more reasonable babysitting schedule and worked out the issue. It wasn’t about who was right. It was about confronting a problem in love and working through a solution.

The breaking of any trust begins with forgiveness. Forgiveness is critical and necessary to move forward in any relationship. Sara had to forgive her mom for letting her down and mom had to be more forthcoming with expectations. Forgiveness opened the door for more discussion and understanding. In my opinion, people deserve a second chance and a right to win back trust. We all make mistakes and need a little grace in our lives.
 
Adapted from Dr. Linda Mintle’s new book, We Need To Talk by Linda Mintle, (Baker, 2015).