Let God Knock Your Walls Down

“I hated myself as a little girl. I hated myself.”

No one ever suspected Michelle Glasgow carried so much pain. To her 2 older sisters and her Jamaican parents, she was outgoing and kind.  But to some of the kids in her Toronto, Canada community, she was the black girl who didn’t belong.  

“They would come around me, circle me and make fun of my hair,” said Michelle. “Tell me that I was ugly. I’d tell my teachers about it, but they never did anything.  I would say "God, I wish I would just get hit by a car. God, did you make me just so that I could suffer?”"

The bullying left her feeling vulnerable, alone and angry.  

Michelle said, “I’d try to hide, and I’d eat my lunch in the washroom.  I’d get in trouble in school and get detention and not go out for recess.  I started getting really tired of being rejected.”

In her teens she became fixated on the tough image and lifestyle portrayed in rap videos.

She said, “People desired to be around them. And that's what I didn't have.”

Then she entered high school, and womanhood. Once the object of ridicule, Michelle was now the object of attention.  She became a tease, wearing provocative, revealing clothes.

“That was how I started to take back the power.  I started to notice that that's how I got attention, is by my looks.  I started feeling a lot better about myself. I started feeling like I was finally taking control and I was actually in charge now.”

With her new-found power, she started getting into fights and hanging out and smoking pot with a hardened drug dealer.

“I just thought that it was cool,” said Michelle. “I thought that it was exactly what I was seeing in the music videos. And I knew that people were scared of him. I just though that I was going to get that same, I guess, reputation.”

But Michelle was still in pain. At 16 she dropped out and left home.  Coping with alcohol and a growing dependence on pot.  A year later at a party, Michelle was raped.

“I thought I had control and then I realized that I didn’t.”

The old wounds now reopened, and Michelle’s heart grew colder.

“I felt like I had to work even harder now to be in control,” she said. “I couldn't let that happen again. I couldn't let somebody make me inferior again.”  

Then in 2010, Michelle, now 19, met a guy in her neighborhood named Anthony. They hung out, smoke a little pot, and quickly became friends.

“He was always respectful and just seemed to care.  It was different than anything I had experienced before.”

They started dating, and despite her growing attraction to him, Michelle was determined to stay in control, and guard her heart.

She said, “It was more like "okay, what can I get from him before he tries to get something from me?" “I  didn't want to let go of that control because I thought then I was vulnerable for him to hurt me.”

“I actually started to really like him. and then there was this fear that, you know, he was going to reject me too.”

Afraid of losing him, she began going to church with him and his mom. Then one Sunday Anthony prayed to accept Jesus into his heart.  It was a great moment in his life, but for Michelle. . .

“I remember when we were driving home, I just didn't talk because I thought like "I can't believe you chose Jesus over me. So, you're going to get saved and if we die right now, you're going to go to heaven and you don't care that I'm going to go to hell? I was so angry at him.”

So, the next Sunday she prayed to accept Jesus.  But it was an empty gesture, driven by her fear of rejection. Two months later, Michelle says she got a word from God.

“Jesus showed me that I had never been rejected, that he was actually with me the entire time. All the times of feeling like "I needed to do stuff to not be rejected" and to know that I did all these things that was worthy of rejection, his grace and his mercy was still on me.”

At once, along with the fear and anger, God took away Michelle’s need for drugs and alcohol.

“I didn't feel like I had anything to escape from anymore. Like I think I finally felt peace.”

“He was transforming my heart. I was able to finally let go of all the barriers I had put myself in. And let go of wanting to be in control.”

Anthony and Michelle eventually married, and are raising two children, and clinging to a simple truth.  

Michelle said, “That I am accepted, and I am loved.”

“ I just remember about Jesus' sacrifice.  I just realized that even if I was the only person on earth he still would have died for me.”