Prostitute Yearns to Forgive Herself

Pam recounts, “I ran away from home when I was 14.  I ended up getting raped.  And then I came back home, but I didn't tell my mother because her response would be ‘That's what you get from running away from home.’  

“My mother…saw a mirror imagine of herself in me.  So when she would look at me she would see things of her past in me but she wouldn’t know how to fix it, so she would just get mad.  I wasn't experiencing any kind of real love, ‘cause I hadn't ever had real love.  I always just had this imitation of love that it had a requirement to it.  

“As I was growing up I would learn to try to please her, make her happy.   So I learned how to put on different masks, I learned how to get attention by acting stupid.   I learned to drink to cover my pain just like she did.  That was the role model I had to-to teach me things.  

“Later on I'd have kids thinking, well, if I had kids, then I could have someone to love on and someone to take care of, and that would make my life better.  I didn't realize…I was going to do the exact same thing to them that was done to me.

“I'd start going drinking more and start disappearing a few days here.  And next thing you know it's months at a time.  And then it just got to the place to where I just didn't even go pick up my kids no more.  I just thought that, I guess, they'd be better off if I just didn't go get them at all.   So that - that's where a lot of guilt, that's where

I started doing drugs.  And just stuff to keep me going so I didn't have to ever feel.

“One day I called my friend to tell her to go pick up my two little kids from school.  Instead she called CPS, and so CPS came and they took my kids.   I’m really hating myself more than ever.  I just really felt very worthless.    

“That's where I started hitting the streets.   Living on the streets is-is very hard – and it’s, especially being a woman.  I mean I've had guns pointed at me.  I've been left for dead.   If I got raped, ‘Oh well, I shouldn't have been out here.  This is just another part of my journey.  This is my fault because I abandoned all my kids and this is what I get for it.  This is the payment that I’m going to have.’

“When I was coming to Beautiful Feet [Ministries], I came here for one reason.  That was to sleep and to get something to eat.  Coming up to the church, you know I’d look at the Bible and stuff.  And then I'd go back out on the streets and I would do the exact same thing.  And it was like this yo-yo of life that I-I lived in for nine years.  
“When I went to jail that night, for prostitution, I just knew in my heart there was something different happening.  I was sitting in the jail cell and I was reading John 8:3-11.  The Word was telling me how a woman was caught in adultery and how the Pharisees was wanting to come in and slam-dunk her on the floor, you know, and like ‘What are you going to do with this woman, you know, she’s done this and that.’   I looked down on the ground and I saw the angel of the Lord knelt down there and he was writing ‘not guilty.’   He didn't look at me, he didn’t talk to me, he just was knelt down on the ground.  God was redeeming me that night.  He was cleansing me. 

And just His presence was enough to change my life forever. 

“After I got out of jail, I got discipled.  And I realized that I hadn't forgiven a lot of things in my life.  I could forgive others but it was so hard to forgive me.   God taught me how to deal with Pam, and how to live in my own skin and to-to walk this walk with Jesus.  And then before my mother passed away, all the ugliness was-was going away.  I could see her as a mom.

I had nothing but brokenness and darkness in my heart to give Him.  As I poured it out to Him, He poured Himself into me and He gave me Himself.  And His Word tells me He’ll never forsake me.  And He also says, "My mother and father will forsake me, but He will hold me in His right hand."

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