Haunted, Alone, and Yearning for Love

Anita grew up believing everything her mother said about her was true.  

Anita says, “I knew I was mistake. In my heart I knew that – because I was born out of wedlock.  I knew that my mom did not want me.  She told me she hated me when I was probably about 5 years old.  Something I’ll never forget.”

Her mother was absent most of the time, and her parents divorced when she was 8.  Even though she went to church, she assumed God didn’t care either.  

She explains, “I was viewing God by how my parents treated me.  Like, they were busy. Here’s some food.  I got fed a little bit and then move on.  You know, they got other things to go do.”

As she grew up, she became curious about the supernatural, and started watching horror movies just for the thrill of it.  At home one night, she took the thrill too far.

Anita remembers, “Being curious, I dared a demon to walk into the room. And they did. The window flew open. And immediately I got needles stuck in me, all over my body. I was being choked. And I was being murdered. I could feel a hand around my throat. And I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t move.”

Anita then felt a reassuring presence, and heard a voice prompting her to pray.

She says, “I heard this voice say, ‘Say these words.’  At the time I didn’t know it was the Holy Spirit.  The words the voice told me to say was, ‘Forgive me, Lord.  Leave now.’  And I got the words out and it stopped.  There was something in that voice that I knew would protect me for the rest of my life.”

Anita says the attacks came every few months for years to come.    

She describes, “It would be a push, a shove…and I usually just told them, you need to go right now or I’ll send the Voice after you.”  
 
As the oldest child, Anita was strapped with the responsibility of caring for her siblings.  Again, no one seemed to notice.  

She says, “My mom was never there for me.  So I had deep rejection issues. Deep unworthiness issues.  She would abandon me for months at a time.  I didn’t feel like anybody really knew me. I didn’t feel worthy enough.”  

When she was older, she moved out, got a job, and hit the party scene.

She remembers thinking, “I’m gonna have fun.  You grow up angry, you grow up not understanding. You grow up – I’m going to live for me now, and it’s my turn.”  

When that got old, she married, and started a family.  But there was still an emptiness in her heart that she couldn’t fill.  

She says, “My escape would be doing things for others.  Concentrated on helping people.  Yeah, it would give you a temporary goody feeling.  But it was temporary.  It was always temporary.  I was just burying stuff.  I was just burying it.  I didn’t want to deal with the issues with my mom or my dad.  I felt like there was a deep struggle in me. Knowing that there’s more but not knowing how to get there.”

The one constant that gave her hope was the voice that protected her from spiritual attacks.  She had learned over the years to trust it.  So when it nudged her to visit a certain church she had passed a few times, she obeyed.  

She says at the church, “They were talking about a relationship with the Lord.  And I was like, this is what I’ve been looking for.   I started figuring out that I was talking to God.  I found the place that was empty in my heart.  I found the relationship that I wanted that was empty.  There was a hole in my heart and the Lord was filling it.”

After she discovered how much God loved her, she learned He could heal her emotional scars too.

She explains, “I was learning to forgive.  Learning to forgive my dad, my mother, the circumstances, myself - that was a big one. And learning how much He truly loved me.”

At a church women’s event, she shared her story about the demons that had been harassing her.  A pastor there told her she could be delivered from it.

Anita remembers, “She had me repeat a prayer of repenting occult spirits. She had me repeat a prayer of taking authority and telling them to go.  And I felt them immediately go.”
 
There have been no attacks since.  Now, she uses her experience to help others find peace and deliverance in Christ.  

As for her purpose in life, Anita says she’s found it: “He’s my purpose now. The Lord is my purpose and I feel whole.  I’ve learned that I’m not a mistake.  That the Lord designed me and knew me before the foundation of the world.”