Self-Fulfillment vs. Covenant: Boomers Divorcing at High Rates

Laura married off her last child at home. She is free to focus on this new stage of life—empty nesting.  Laura figures she has another 20-30 years of vibrant living ahead but decided her life would be better off without her current husband. Laura, it turns out, is part of a growing trend of women and men who call it quits after raising the kids.

According to a recent report published in The Wall Street Journal, “gray divorces” (people over the age of 50) have doubled in the past two decades. So why is this happening?

While the answer is complex, the article notes that boomers are the first generation to focus on self-fulfillment. Interestingly, the AARP found that women are the ones initiating more of these later life divorces. One factor may relate to economics. Economically, women have more options these days and are less reluctant to leave an unfulfilled relationship.

Other explanations include:

1. People are living longer so divorce becomes an option. Instead of dying, people are living longer and divorcing.

2. Happiness needs override commitment. The “me” focus of this generation has many boomers feeling their mortality and wanting to get more out of their lives. Thus, divorce becomes a viable option.

3. Personal needs are defining marriage. In the past, role fulfillment was more of a definition. Being a good mother/father was valued over getting individual needs met.

4. Of those divorcing, 53 percent have divorced before. And we know from numerous studies that second marriages are high on the risk scale for divorce.

5. When the AARP asked people what led to later life divorce, 27 percent said cheating was a factor, a leading cause of divorce among all ages.

The covenant of marriage is being impacted by a change in cultural thinking. When happiness, not covenant is the goal, couples find ways to end marriages in order to pursue individual happiness.

But, does one preclude the other? Even in unhappy marriages, the skills to make the marriage better are available and can be applied to trouble marriages. However, spouses must choose to work on those marriages, not get out. If they are willing to turn towards each other, face their issues together and work with a therapist, happiness can be achieved and the marriage vows honored.

Dr. Linda Mintle is a best-selling author, national speaker, blogger and licensed marriage and family therapist. For more help, check out her book I Married You, Not Your Family and visit her website at www.drlindahelps.com. Dr. Mintle will address the issue of disposable marriages at the Marriage America Conference held in Orlando, Fla., April 12-14, 2012.