"We Need to Talk!": Dealing With Conflict

“We need to talk . . .”

It’s amazing how these four short words can stop a conversation and grip us with momentary anxiety. Let’s be honest, these words usually mean something is wrong and we are about to go into the world of feelings, a place not everyone likes to visit. If you are smart, you won’t begin a conversation with these four words. The phrase, “We need to talk”, puts most of us on the defensive.

“We need to talk” takes time and energy. It can be exhausting and doesn’t always end with a quick fix. But the idea behind “We need to talk” is important to making our relationships work. It’s our cue that something needs to be addressed.

How do you respond to these four words? Take the free conflict style assessment to find out. Do you embrace the idea or run for the hills?

One reason this phrase makes our hearts skip a beat is because so many of us are uncomfortable working through relationship conflicts. For whatever reasons, we don’t have the confidence that we can face conflict without causing more problems. And we don’t like the way conflict makes us feel.

But conflict is woven into our daily lives. It shows up often—in political arguments, disagreements with co-workers, fights with siblings, and marital bickering. Its consequences can bring the end of a marriage, friction between friends, or loss of a job. Thus, this ever-present conflict can keep us stuck or it can provide growth in our relationships. To deal with conflict, we do need to talk.

Conflict is a part of all close relationship. Under the right conditions, conflict can grow intimacy and bring satisfaction to relationships. And in unhappy relationships, conflict escalates problems and distress and needs to be addressed.

Conflict is difficult to handle because it involves other people, and we can’t fully control other people. While that reality makes us uncomfortable and complicates things, we do control our part in any conflict situation. Our reactions matter when we need to talk. We focus on the part we control, not on what someone else is doing or not doing. This shift in focus is critical.

In the best of situations, confronting conflict brings positive results. Relief is felt once the issue is addressed. We learn more about ourselves and more about others. We see that relationships can be repaired, people can reconcile, and problems can be solved. A deeper understanding, closeness, and mutual respect can develop when we do talk.

So let me ask a few questions regarding conflict:

• How do you feel when you watch or participate in conflict?
• Are you comfortable with the idea that conflict is a part of life?
• Do you avoid conflict at all costs?
• Do you care more about winning than the person involved in the conflict?
• Do you wish you had better skills?
• Do you want to handle conflict in a way that is healthy, not problematic?
• Are you tired of being angry or upset with someone?
• Is there a difficult person in your life that is driving you nuts?
• Would you rather cut off a relationship than work though it?

If any of these questions resonate with you, We Need to Talk will be an important tool in helping to make your relationships work.

In We Need to Talk, my hope is you will find yourself readjusting your expectations and becoming more flexible. Most of all, you will learn to approach relationships with the idea that conflict can be managed, tolerated, and handled. Finally, you will become more skillful at knowing how to promote relationship reconciliation and repair the damage we sometimes do to each other. In the end, the words “We need to talk” won’t send chills down your spine or make you want to run for the hills!

Dr. Linda Mintle’s new book, We Need to Talk: How to Successfully Navigate Conflict is now in stores. Learn how to successfully navigate conflict in your relationships.