The Secret to Dealing with Conflict

Mike and Sarah are fighting again over parenting issues. It seems like the fighting never ends. Both have such different approaches to parenting the children based on their own family experiences. Parenting differences is a conflict they feel needs to get resolved. Their fear is that the differences could end their marriage. Are they overreacting?

Mike and Sarah do need to come to terms with how they will parent. Their kids need a consistent approach. But how many times have you heard a couple say they need to work on resolving conflict? Would it surprise you to know that conflict resolution is not the solution to a happy marriage.

My parents were married 67 years when my mom died. They grappled with the same conflict issues for most of those years. According to researcher John Gottman, this is normal in stable couples.

Gottman found that 69 percent of couple conflict is perpetual. This means that while having conflict is normal, the bulk of it remains unresolved.

However, well-functioning relationships develop a specific kind of dialogue around these problems. Even though conflict is on-going, successful couples discuss conflict without escalating to negative patterns like blame, defensiveness, cutting off dialogue, etc. They use humor, affection and some irritability, but the conversation does not escalate to a negative place.

Thus, the secret to dealing with conflict is not to avoid or necessarily resolve it. The secret is to keep from escalating that conflict to a negative place. Successful couples choose relationships with a set of perpetual problems that they learn to live with them, being respectful and positive as the dialogue over those problems unfolds. Staying positive is the key.

So the next time you find yourself in a conflict with your partner, examine your dialogue around that conflict. Are you critical, feeling contempt, being defensive or even putting up a wall? If so, the relationship is going the wrong direction. But if you keep your affection, use humor and stay positive, the relationship is going to do well.

Mike and Sarah know this is true. While they continue to struggle over whose parenting approach will be used, they stay kind and civil during their disagreements. They are motivated by the words of the Bible—be tenderhearted, kind, caring, forgiving to each other. So while conflict remains, a stable relationship handles it with grace.