The Homosexual's Heart Cry

Please do not reject me!

I want to be loved, accepted and special!

Please don’t leave!  I need you mama!  I need you daddy!

I am so alone and empty!

I feel so hopeless!  I cannot handle the emotional pain!

I hate myself!  I want to die!

What happened?  What happened to me?  What happened to you?  Why has our struggle been with such an intense attraction to the same sex? 

As soon as we are conceived we have a tremendous need to be loved and connected to our mothers and fathers.  This crucial bonding with each parent begins here, and our tiny fragile, sensitive spirits are very aware of our world in the womb and out.   Am I wanted and loved?  Will I be rejected?  Are mom and dad fighting all the time?  Am I safe and secure?

We can be wounded in the womb.  Dad really wants a son and he is so disappointed to find out he is having a girl and visa versa. A baby in the womb can receive this disappointment into his or her spirit and perceive it as rejection.  A traumatic birth could instill fear in a newborn.  They may not feel safe when they enter their new earthly world.

Outside the womb, the baby’s need to be loved, connected, and touched is now more important than ever.  Touch is so life giving to all of us for the rest of our lives. Now, when our second life begins outside the womb, our parents become Jesus with skin on.  These next formative years will determine the foundation of how we see ourselves.  Our sense of being will start to develop and our parents play a big role in this emotional growth.  Our parents are not perfect and they cannot give us something they themselves do not have.  If they struggle with self-hatred then our self-esteem will be damaged.  The bible states in Proverbs 8:21,”The tongue has the power of life and death.”  How parents talk to their babies and children will speak life or death to them. We see ourselves as our parents see us.  As we grow, we begin to mirror our parents. If they are not positive role models then we will be lost.

So, what happened?  The bonding between both my parents were extremely fractured.  Some of the damage was out of their brokenness and some was out of traumatic circumstances in our family. Because of this lack of bonding, as a small child I began to make vows and my trust was shattered between my parents.  Because I was so little when this happened I kicked into a survival mode not knowing how I was being affected.  I did what I needed to survive the pain.  As I grew older I became angry, confused and I harbored unforgivness.  This unforgivness began to affect all my relationships.  It was a cancer to my mind, spirit and soul.   

I was so driven to connect to the same sex emotionally and physically.  I felt like I was going to die without that connection. I struggled with anxiety because I did not feel loved and accepted by someone of the same sex.  I had totally disconnected from the opposite sex.  They were not to be trusted. There was a lot of confusion and a huge hole in my soul. I felt so empty.  This emotional pain was so intense I began to drink to stop the pain.  I was so insecure and hated myself.  My sense of being had been shattered and I needed someone to complete me.

When I felt like even God had abandoned me, I decided I had been born this way and I would quit fighting my desires to connect to the same sex and just get used to these unwanted same sex feelings.  My hole seemed filled.  I could breath again. But my emptiness returned. Now I had a relationship and no God, and guess what– NO PEACE.  Somehow I needed to bring the two together. As long as God was first in my life and I could back up my homosexuality with the Bible, then I would embrace my sexuality and be at peace.  I could not bring the two together.

Our wounding is complicated and one size does not fit all.  We have our own individual stories and we have different reactions.  Only the Lord Jesus Christ can show us where we were wounded, rewrite our story, and restore our scarred hearts and shattered spirits.

Lord, keep calling me, drawing me closer

Don’t let me hold back

Whatever it takes I must break through

The heart of a child is broken

But his time has come

Whatever I lost I’ll find in you

(from David Meece’s album Learning to Trust)

We are all wounded.  If our parents were perfect we would not need God.   To the depth of our wounding is to the depth we can experience God’s love.  No matter what you have done in your life, God wants to restore the years that the locusts have eaten.  He loves you! Just come to Him as you are!

In Christ, who will never quit pursuing us!

Sydney Johnson