Set Free From Same-Sex Attraction

Being attracted to the same sex was just as normal and natural to me as it was for a man and woman to be attracted to each other.  I did not want to be drawn to the same sex, in fact, I do not think anybody feels elated with the discovery of their homosexual feelings, but for me it was all I had ever known.

I tried really hard to be a heterosexual.  I dated and thought if only I would get married, have 2.5 children and live in a house with a white picket fence, then that would “cure” my homosexual desires. 

My conversation with God went something like this: God, I am trying to be something I am not.  If homosexuality is really wrong, then please take these intense desires away from me!!!  Please, in my heart of hearts, I do not want to be gay, but this is all I have ever known and it feels so right!  Why God?  Why me?  I cannot tell anybody about this struggle!  I can’t!  I have heard friends and family members saying “those people are sick” and I am one of those people!  Why won’t you help me?  Am I sick?  God, I am so afraid of being rejected.  I just cannot tell anyone.  I can’t!  End of conversation.

I went off to college still pleading with God to free me.  Finally I’d had it!  I told God if he was not going to heal me, then I must have been born this way, and I just could not and would not fight these desires anymore!!  God, take a hike!  Hence, I had my first homosexual experience my Sophomore year in college.  What a  relief!!  I felt loved, secure, and connected.  I could breathe again.  Yea!! I must have been born this way.  It felt so right.  So, for the next 10 to 12 years, I lived secretly in same sex relationships.

Now, remember, at one point I had God and no relationship and had NO PEACE.  Now I had a relationship and no God, and guess what– NO PEACE.  Somehow I needed to bring the two together. As long as God was first in my life and I could back up my homosexuality with the Bible, then I would embrace my sexuality and be at peace.

So I started searching. I talked with people who seemed content with God and their homosexuality.  I went to several gay churches and to my disappointment, they seemed to worship their sexuality and the right to love who they wanted to more than God.  I really did not want to give up my homosexuality.  I wanted it to be right.

I then started going to a Christian counselor and he told me about a group called Exodus International where people had actually found freedom from homosexuality. (Now freedom does not mean they were all married, but they were no longer in bondage and controlled by their sexuality.)  You mean I was not born this way! Then where did these intense homosexual desires come from?

My search to make my sexuality right led me to Virginia Beach and a program called Living Waters. Going through this program took me back to many childhood  memories – way back– (no wonder I had felt this way at such an early age) and  I began to get in touch with very deep and painful emotional wounds.  The Lord began to reveal the lies I had bought into and why I was reacting the way I did.  This was and is an extremely painful yet freeing process.

Because I had such a hard time wanting to walk out of the lifestyle, I would pray Philippians 2:13 “ for it is God who works in me to will and to act according to his good purpose.”  God, please give me the desire to want to walk away, and then give me the strength to do so.  When I finally swallowed my pride and decided to bring my struggle into the light, I found a personal relationship with Jesus Christ along with a lot of supportive, loving friends who have helped me heal and kept me accountable.  My identity is now found in Jesus Christ, and no longer in that one person.  Who I am does not depend on who I am with. You see, I had made my need to be loved my god, instead of allowing God to be my love.  What a difference!  God is love, not love is God.           

Sin is sin.  What sin are you a slave to?  There is freedom this side of heaven.  Romans 8:37 says, “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.”  You cannot set yourself free.  God’s truth and his love will set the captive free!  I used to think people could not change, but I am living proof.  Is change easy?  Absolutely not!!  In fact, walking out and staying out of my sin has been the hardest and most painful experience of my life, but worth every tear I have shed.  I would not trade the joy, freedom and  relationship with my Jesus for anything. I am no longer a slave to my sexuality.  I Corinthians 6:11 says, “And that is what some of you WERE.  But you were washed, and you were sanctified, and you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ...”  Amen.   

Praise the Lord for giving me the desire, strength, and courage to walk away.

To God be all the glory!