Battle of the Wills

We have just celebrated another Independence Day, and I thought it appropriate to talk about independence—not the kind that brings joy and peace, but rather the kind that creates turmoil in a relationship. This kind of independence—self-will and independent thinking—the kind that damages relationships.

In my work conducting Marriage Intensives—crisis couples counseling—at The Marriage Recovery Center, I often notice a battle of the wills. They often do not recognize it as such, but that’s what it really is.

How do these power struggles of autonomy and independence manifest themselves? She wants things to be her way, while he wants it to be his. She wants one thing while he wants another. Let’s look at some specific ways this plays out.

He thinks it is best to save money for rainy day while she wants to enjoy life now and spend more liberally. He wants take vacations closer to home while she wants to save and travel to exotic places. He wants more affection no matter what while she wants affection only if they enjoy safety and caring throughout the week. He wants to attend a charismatic church while she is more traditional—or vice versa.

The Apostle James had much to say about the battle of the wills.

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1)

This is a very interesting passage of scripture, in that James nails it as far as what causes so much unrest in relationships. But notice that he says the cause is “desires that battle within you”. Yes, the battle ends up being external, but begins internally. The battle starts with expectations and hopes, moving to expectations that a situation should be different. Not only should it be different, but in essence you demand it to be different.

Now consider the impact of making this demand. (Oh, I know you may not think of it as a demand, but that is what it is.) Making a demand, or insisting on having things your way, sets a dangerous tone in a relationship. It sets up an adversarial quality in the relationship that eventually erodes trust and good will. The relationship devolves, one struggle at a time.

If you are experiencing a battle of the wills, consider the advice I give to couples and see if it might help you as well.  

First, in a battle of the wills, everyone loses.

In a battle of the wills, one person appears victorious, yet both lose because the relationship erodes. The ‘loser’ is bound to feel neglected and hurt. The ‘winner’ may take pride in accomplishing what he/she wants, but often fail to notice the other’s pain.

Second, in a battle of the wills, an adversarial posture is set up.

The lines are drawn, positions taken and both prepare for the battle. Each builds their case, often with a strong dose of self-righteousness, as they chip away at the other’s point of view. There is no creative effort to collaborate to find solutions that work for both. This is terribly hurtful to the relationship.

Third, in a battle of the wills, feelings are inevitably hurt. 

As each make their case, they point out the weakness or flaw in the other’s thinking. Feelings are hurt, though often not expressed. Hurt turns into anger and division begins. Trust is eroded as the safety between them dissolves.

Fourth, in the battle of the wills, intimacy is lost.

No longer able to trust you to validate my thoughts and feelings, I ultimately retreat. I cannot trust you to care fully for my thoughts and feelings and must therefore retreat from you. This division grows unless efforts are made to reconnect.

Finally, in a battle of the wills we lose connection with each other.

Not only have we lost intimacy, but ultimately we have lost connection with and to each other. We are frightened and withdraw into safety. Scripture tells us to “defer to one another in love.” (Ephesians 5:21) This is the path of true connection and ultimate freedom.

If you are feeling estranged from your mate because of power struggles, I invite you to reach out to us—we can help. We want to hear from you. Please go to our website, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and discover the free downloadable eBook, A Love Life of Your Dreams as well as free videos and articles. 

Please send responses to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website. You’ll find videos and podcasts on sexual addiction, emotionally destructive marriages, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.