When Addiction and Pain Fade Away

“It was just vicious cycle of alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, women, perversion,” remembered Edna.  “I would always say, ‘if I die today, I want to hit that pipe one more time.’”

It’s little wonder Edna’s life was controlled by alcohol, drugs and sex.  Her father was a womanizer, an alcoholic and addict who abused Edna and her mother.        

“I'd hear my mom scream and yell and then he would…beat her down.  When he would get angry at her he would lash out on me and yell at me and scream at me. Basically, ‘you don't listen. You're not going to be anything.’”

But it’s what he didn’t do hurt her even more.

“I just wanted him to be the father, to love me like I was his daughter. I just felt unloved. I felt like I couldn’t get my life together.”

At nine years old, Edna started drinking, which soon became her means of escape.

“I was an alcoholic. I drank every day.  I would go to school drinking hard liquor.”

Edna also started seeking the affection of the girls in her school.

“I thought it was love, attention, made me feel like somebody cared for me.  I was just very confused, as you can see, very confused.”

As she went into her teen years, she started taking on the appearance of a boy.  She excelled in basketball and in high school had potential to play in college. By then she was having sex with women and men, and her alcohol and drug abuse had gotten worse.

“Drugs was our way – my way of escaping. Because in my heart, I was bitter, I was angry. I felt very insecure.”

After high school she got a job at a hotel, and started using and dealing crack with her father. For the next two decades, her life was marked by drug deals, prison, sex, and addiction.   

“I started using to the point that I lost total control.  I just didn’t care about life anymore.  I couldn’t work, I would drink to the point of passing out, and I would use - I started using my own supply of cocaine. I got to the point I couldn’t function,” she said with tears in her eyes.

Then at age 41, Edna was arrested on cocaine trafficking charges and sentenced to ten years in prison.

“I went to prison severely depressed. And most of my time I spent sleeping, crying a lot.”

Edna found ways to get drugs and continued having lesbian relationships – all of which kept her in trouble.  Then eight years into her sentence, she became extremely ill. It was then she went to a church service, where some Christian inmates told her about God’s love.

“It was during that time that I started reaching out to God. I'm like, ‘if there's a God now, I need you.’  I’m like, ‘God, I want – I want my life to change.’  I wanted so bad to have a relationship with him, but I didn't know how. I didn't think I was worthy.”

Doctors soon discovered that Edna had kidney stones and took her in for surgery.  She says, while in recovery, God spoke to her.

“He said, ‘Edna, you're gonna have to choose whom you're gonna serve.’ and I looked up and I said, ‘Lord, if you give me one more chance, and you give me the strength to do it, I will serve you for the rest of my life.’  That's when I surrendered my life to the Lord. The next day,” she remembered with a smile.  “It was like I came back to life again.  I felt like a new person.”

She quit drugs immediately and started reading God’s Word. As she did, her desire for women, her childhood pain, and years of addiction faded away.

“He took away all that brokenness that I was feeling, the insecurity and I began to love myself and then love others.”

Edna Gooch was 50 when she walked out of prison, with a lesson of a lifetime.   She now works for a Christian charity organization.    

“I found out he loved me. He's always loved me. And he was always with me. He was never left me nor forsaked me. It was me that left him.  It was me that didn't take time to have a personal relationship, to allow him to come into my heart. He loves you as you are, but he does not want you to stay as you are. And he can turn it around for you."