Breaking a Generational Curse of Depression

“I got up. I went to the kitchen, and I grabbed a knife. I remember just seeing blood coming out of my arm. I never felt so happy in my life. It was like confirmation that, ‘This is going to work!’”

Christian Ramos believed he had reason to be happy about death. He thought it would re-unite him with his beloved father. He was the man I loved growing up. He was my role model. He was the guy I looked up to.”
 
He didn’t realize his father battled depression and eventually took his own life. Christian was just nine.
“I realized my dad wasn’t going to be around anymore. I cried like I’ve never cried before, because I knew…  I knew I was going to be alone.”

As he grew older he struggled with thoughts of suicide. He says his father appeared to him in dreams, encouraging Christian to kill himself. “I had this dream so many times. Every time it just felt like it was the right thing to do.”

One day Christian decided to join his father. “I kept telling myself, ‘I’m going to die today. I’m going to die today. I’m happy. I’m going to go with my father.’ So I left the house. Sure that I was going to walk away and bleed to death.”

Christian collapsed just outside his house. A stranger found him and rushed him to the hospital where doctors saved his life. But that’s not what Christian wanted. “I was angry that I didn’t get to take my life, and angry at everybody because I ended up in this place.”

Christian went through a psychiatric recovery program where he was encouraged to write to express himself. “In the beginning it started off like poetry. I wanted to write a poem. But then I realized I could do a rap song! And I remember writing a song about how lonely I felt; how sad I was.”

After his release, Christian pursued a career as a rapper. He often wrote about his desire to die. A stranger heard his dark lyrics and texted Christian asking to talk to him for a few minutes about Jesus Christ. Christian wanted no part of it. “Out of everybody, this is the one guy I kept ignoring. I didn’t want to talk to him, beause looking at his page, I knew he was a Christian.”
 
One day he went for what he thought was a casual ride with a friend. He was stunned when his friend stopped the car and said he was about to rob a man, and expected Christian to help. Christian had seconds to make a choice. “I didn’t want to look like a punk. So I didn’t walk away. I didn’t do the right thing.”

His friend pulled a gun on a man and demanded money while Christian stood there. “I knew what we were doing was wrong. I knew this person didn’t deserve what we were doing to him.”
 
Both men were caught. Christian was convicted of armed robbery. “Rock bottom to me was knowing that I lost everything.”
 
But instead of letting prison destroy his life, Christian was determined to use the time to turn his life around. That’s when he remembered the stranger who had texted him about Jesus. “This was the place where I knew that it was the beginning for something good, for something great. I was going to be a changed man. I wanted to change. Things were not going to be the same.”

Christian started reading the Bible. A prison guard saw him and asked if he had any questions.
“I asked him, I said, ‘How do I know I have a relationship with Him? How do I know that God really got my back, that He lives in me?’”

The guard explained that Christian needed to ask for forgiveness, and accept Jesus Christ as his Savior. “Accepting Christ was just the best feeling in the world. My heavenly Father was there with me, accepting me. I knew that I was meant to do great things. At that moment I just knew in his eyes I was His child.”   

Christian read his Bible everday. Soon he no longer felt the pain of losing his dad. “It was easy to forgive my father there and then because I knew that I had a Father in heaven who was my Father. And He loves me. He loves me.” 

After nearly two years he was released from prison and continued to get closer to God. Christian married Amanda and the Ramos’ are expecting their 2nd child. He relies on his heavenly Father to be the type dad he didn’t have. “No matter what, the ups and downs, to know that I have a God that’s always there, always there for me, is just amazing.”