Marriage 911
“I can’t keep up with him,” Suzanne said anxiously. “He’s all over the place, doing this thing and that thing. I feel like I’m married to a Stairmaster.”
“I’m not sure I understand Suzanne,” I said. She and her husband of 15 years, Douglas, had come to The Marriage Recovery Center in a state of crisis.
“It’s hard to describe,” she said. “He’s busy with a lot of different projects and I feel like I’m one more thing on his checklist. He runs a couple of businesses, sits on the boards of a couple of organizations and I have to grab time where I can get it.”
“So, have you confronted him about his behavior?” I asked.
“A thousand times,” she said, appearing tired and discouraged. “He always has an excuse. He has enough energy for three people and even says he wishes he had more time to do the things he wants to do. But, I get lost in the shuffle.”
I had heard stories like Suzanne’s many times before. To be fair, it isn’t always the man that is running around ‘like a Stairmaster.’ Many women hold professional jobs, raise children, maintain the home and barely find time to fit their husbands into their schedules.
We are busy people and if we’re not extremely careful, our marriages and other personal relationships can get pushed to the sides of our overflowing plates.
Many of us get caught in what has been called ‘the tyranny of the urgent.’ We tend to the many things that demand our attention. We get ourselves involved in so many activities, saying ‘yes’ to so many obligations, that the important things of life get pushed to the side. It is only when there is a crisis that we turn our attention back to the central issues of life.
Here are some thoughts to consider so that you don’t find yourself facing a serious marriage or family crisis.
First, take time to evaluate your life.
We would all do well to periodically step back from the busyness of life to determine if we are engaged in the activities that are meaningful to us. Is your life balanced? Are your relationships as robust and invigorating as you would like them to be?
Second, listen to the people close to you.
Your mate and family members give many cues and clues as to what they think. You must be willing to listen, hear and respond effectively to them. When we say, “I didn’t know”, this often really means we didn’t listen. Take time to step back and reflect on what those around you are saying.
Scripture is clear about the importance of listening to each other and caring attentively to their needs. “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” (Proverbs 18:13)
Third, be willing to confront those you love.
If you are married to a “Stairmaster,” tell him/her firmly how you feel when you are with them. Turn up the volume and intensity on your confrontations. Add some consequences to your words so that they aren’t empty complaints.
Fourth, be specific about the change you seek and expect.
Share exactly what you would like changed. Don’t be vague and general in your requests, but rather specific and clear. Make your requests clear, specific and positive. Rather than telling someone to stop doing something, make it clear what you want your spouse to start doing. For example, “I’d like you to limit your activities to 7 p.m. every evening and simply be with me.”
Finally, add accountability to your agreements.
Many times we make agreements but then don’t keep them. We may have good intentions, but if we are not held accountable, we will only keep them for a short time. It takes time to change old habits, and often requires firm accountability. Don’t be afraid to let your mate know that there are consequences if they don’t follow through on an agreement.
Are you married to a Stairmaster? Do you long for caring connection? We are here to help. Please go to our website, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and discover more information about this as well as the free downloadable eBook, A Love Life of Your Dreams, including other free videos and articles. Please send responses to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website. You’ll find videos and podcasts on sexual addiction, emotionally destructive marriages, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.
Being Married to a Stairmaster
“I can’t keep up with him,” Suzanne said anxiously. “He’s all over the place, doing this thing and that thing. I feel like I’m married to a Stairmaster.”
“I’m not sure I understand Suzanne,” I said. She and her husband of 15 years, Douglas, had come to The Marriage Recovery Center in a state of crisis.
“It’s hard to describe,” she said. “He’s busy with a lot of different projects and I feel like I’m one more thing on his checklist. He runs a couple of businesses, sits on the boards of a couple of organizations and I have to grab time where I can get it.”
“So, have you confronted him about his behavior?” I asked.
“A thousand times,” she said, appearing tired and discouraged. “He always has an excuse. He has enough energy for three people and even says he wishes he had more time to do the things he wants to do. But, I get lost in the shuffle.”
I had heard stories like Suzanne’s many times before. To be fair, it isn’t always the man that is running around ‘like a Stairmaster.’ Many women hold professional jobs, raise children, maintain the home and barely find time to fit their husbands into their schedules.
We are busy people and if we’re not extremely careful, our marriages and other personal relationships can get pushed to the sides of our overflowing plates.
Many of us get caught in what has been called ‘the tyranny of the urgent.’ We tend to the many things that demand our attention. We get ourselves involved in so many activities, saying ‘yes’ to so many obligations, that the important things of life get pushed to the side. It is only when there is a crisis that we turn our attention back to the central issues of life.
Here are some thoughts to consider so that you don’t find yourself facing a serious marriage or family crisis.
First, take time to evaluate your life.
We would all do well to periodically step back from the busyness of life to determine if we are engaged in the activities that are meaningful to us. Is your life balanced? Are your relationships as robust and invigorating as you would like them to be?
Second, listen to the people close to you.
Your mate and family members give many cues and clues as to what they think. You must be willing to listen, hear and respond effectively to them. When we say, “I didn’t know”, this often really means we didn’t listen. Take time to step back and reflect on what those around you are saying.
Scripture is clear about the importance of listening to each other and caring attentively to their needs. “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” (Proverbs 18:13)
Third, be willing to confront those you love.
If you are married to a “Stairmaster,” tell him/her firmly how you feel when you are with them. Turn up the volume and intensity on your confrontations. Add some consequences to your words so that they aren’t empty complaints.
Fourth, be specific about the change you seek and expect.
Share exactly what you would like changed. Don’t be vague and general in your requests, but rather specific and clear. Make your requests clear, specific and positive. Rather than telling someone to stop doing something, make it clear what you want your spouse to start doing. For example, “I’d like you to limit your activities to 7 p.m. every evening and simply be with me.”
Finally, add accountability to your agreements.
Many times we make agreements but then don’t keep them. We may have good intentions, but if we are not held accountable, we will only keep them for a short time. It takes time to change old habits, and often requires firm accountability. Don’t be afraid to let your mate know that there are consequences if they don’t follow through on an agreement.
Are you married to a Stairmaster? Do you long for caring connection? We are here to help. Please go to our website, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and discover more information about this as well as the free downloadable eBook, A Love Life of Your Dreams, including other free videos and articles. Please send responses to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website. You’ll find videos and podcasts on sexual addiction, emotionally destructive marriages, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.
About This Blogger
Dr. David Hawkins is the director of The Marriage Recovery Center and has been helping couples in crisis for more than 30 years.