Living with a Thin-Skinned Spouse

"I can’t talk about anything without him getting upset," Katie said, looking at her husband, John, with a sideways glance.

"What do you mean?" I asked, having just started counseling with the 50-year-old couple. Tall and stout upon greeting me, John now appeared apprehensive. Katie appeared equally tense.

John and Katie came in for counseling because of "communication problems", but it was readily apparent that their interpersonal issues had created a significant rift between them.

"I walk on eggshells," Katie continued. "I never know when he is going to erupt."

John shrugged, making gestures that suggested he was thinking this was all overdone. His next comment confirmed his sour attitude.

"I haven’t gotten angry for months," he said. "I didn’t think we needed counseling! And as for Katie having to walk on eggshells, well I feel the same way."

John had just pulled the infamous "switcheroo", where our mate’s problems are smaller than ours. We dismiss their concerns in favor of talking about our concerns. Katie looked away, obviously hurt by John’s comment.

"I think we need to listen to Katie," I said, looking at John. "While her story may be different than the way you see things, and that’s OK, we do need to hear her."

It was quite obvious that Katie was still reacting to John’s comment. She had come to counseling hoping to be heard, wanting to talk and she already felt dismissed. I encouraged her to share more.

"Do you see what happens? I can’t say anything critical," Katie continued. Looking over at John she shared, "No matter what I say, it seems to ruffle your feathers. I can’t continue to tiptoe around you."

"You don’t have to tiptoe around me," John said emphatically. "You make me out to be a shrew. C’mon."

John was now irritated; and both became were becoming increasingly withdrawn.

"Is this a glimpse of what happens?" I asked.

"Ten times worse," Katie said. "I can’t seem to bring up a concern without John telling me that he also feels the same way or dismissing my point of view. If I push too hard, he erupts in anger."

Katie pulled her legs up under her and turned away from us, beginning to cry. John looked at me as if to suggest he didn’t know what to do. I wondered if he would comfort her, which he didn’t do.

John was doing the best he could do, and no doubt felt one of the most common feelings for men—inadequacy. Rather than feel inadequate, most men will erupt in anger. They often want peace at any price; and this can and often does include sweeping problems under the rug. Of course, this doesn’t work in the long run.

I continued working with John and Katie, exploring their history of avoiding conflict, John’s angry eruptions and their ways of dealing ineffectively with their issues. Katie avoided issues while John exploded over large and small ones, and this pattern was not working for them. Here is some additional advice I gave them.

1. Couples must cultivate an attitude of openness and honesty.

From the onset couples must decide they are going to be open and honest with one another, having an attitude of facing issues as they arise. ‘Speaking the truth in love,’ (Ephesians 4:15) they must decide they are not going to avoid issues. Using discernment, they must determine what issues require direct attention, and which ones can be ‘let go.’

2. Couples must embrace conflict.

Yes, this is a difficult decision, but conflict and disagreements are part of close relationships. Whether in marriage, friendship, family or the workplace, conflict is natural and must be embraced. The issue is not that you have conflict, but how you deal with conflict.

3. Couples must learn to embrace criticism.

None of us are perfect, and we must find the balance between getting our feelings hurt (taking things personally) and being open and receptive to criticism. Our mate will always be able to see things in our character that need attention, and this is natural. Emotional growth flows from the interaction we have with our mate.

4. Couples must reassure their mates that they are loved and reconciliation is the motivation for bringing up issues.

While motives may be questioned at the moment, most of the time we share feelings because our hurt and resentment create a barrier to intimacy. Healing wounds brings closeness. Defensiveness, on the other hand, creates distance and allows issues to fester. Defensiveness says we cannot sit with our mate, creating an atmosphere of selfishness and immaturity.

5. Couples must celebrate their ability to work through issues.

While conflict is never any fun, the end result is the clearing of the air, the resolving of issues and moving the relationship to a new level of intimacy. Notice this increased contact. Celebrate the fact that your mate chooses to come to you with concerns. Thank him/her for coming to you in a respectful and dignified manner. Then—and this is critical—make necessary changes so that your mate feels heard and validated. You will both appreciate the emotional growth and increased connection to each other.