How to Find Trust After the Affair
by Amy Allen
Guest Blogger
from "A Redeemed Marriage"
http://www.aredeemedmarriage.com
(Fourth in Amy's series on sexual addiction)
“How can you trust him?” my new friend asked me. I had just spent two hours sharing my testimony with her: how my husband had been going to prostitutes, I found out, left him, and filed for divorce. But then God got a hold of both of our lives and put our marriage back together. It was all very fresh; I had only moved back in with him a few months prior, after a six month separation. I was at my first-ever women's retreat when I shared this with some of the women there. So when she asked me that question with such earnestness, I had to reply. “I don't.” I said emphatically. “But I trust God and I trust what He is doing in my husband's life.”
Trust is hard. Trust means putting your full belief in something. “Like trusting in a parachute,” I heard someone say recently. It doesn't come easily, especially as an adult, once we understand how the world really works and become cynical. If you've been betrayed by a spouse, trusting anyone or anything ever again seems impossible.
There is only one person who is worthy of all our trust and that is Jesus. He promises to never leave us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6, Joshua 1:5, 9) and that He has plans for our good and not to harm us (Jeremiah 29:11). I thought I had fully trusted in Jesus, but until my marriage fell apart, I realized I had placed my trust in the wrong person – my husband. I had made him my rock; I had put all my hope for the future in him and our relationship. In God's eyes, I had made my husband an idol.
The scriptures say God is a jealous God. “Do not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God,” Exodus 34:14. This can make God seem angry and unapproachable. But what is meant by “jealous” is actually a beautiful thing when we understand it. It means He wants all of us for Himself – our whole heart. Should we expect anything less from our Creator?
Everything that is within us should be fully given over and entrusted to the Lord. Why? Because He loves us and created us and knows what is best for us. But He doesn't stop there. He promises that when we “seek Him first and His righteousness then everything else will be given to us.” (Matthew 6:33 – paraphrased) Everything! That includes our spouse, our marriage, our kids, our possessions, our careers, everything. But when we get things out of order and put something or someone in His rightful place, He will use whatever it takes to bring us back to Him. Whatever it takes! Sometimes that can be very extreme like what happened in our marriage. Was it painful? Absolutely! But now, 12 years after He restored our marriage I can honestly say it was all worth it.
I now have a strong relationship with the Lord and I trust Him with all my heart. If my husband were to suddenly turn his back on the Lord and leave our family to pursue his own selfish desires, I would be ok. I really would. Because now my trust is where it should be – in God alone. Plus, He has given me everything else I long for: a loving husband (the same one I intended to divorce!), two beautiful little girls, a wonderful home and community, lots of loving friends and family, the ability to use my talents, work, etc.
Gradually my husband has earned back most of my trust. I still don't trust him 100%. But I do trust God completely and I am still entrusting my husband to the Lord. I know that as we both trust God with all our hearts, He will straighten out all the paths that we had made crooked.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” ~ Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV
Father, I pray for the person reading this. Maybe they have misplaced trust. Maybe their trust is in their spouse, their marriage, their kids, their finances, the future, their job. If there is anything taking Your rightful place in their lives, I pray that You would show them in a way that helps them confess their idolatry to You and put their full trust in You alone. If a marriage has fallen apart, I pray that You would bring both partners to a complete and trusting relationship in You through Your Son Jesus, who died for our sins so that we may spend eternity with You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
Links in this Series by Amy Allen:
First: When You First Discover Infidelity
Second: How to Find Strength When Your Husband is Weak
Third: Your Cheating Spouse: You Can't Fix Them, Spy On Them, Or Force Them to Stop
Fourth: How to Find Trust After the Affair
Fifth: No Quick Fixes for a Crumbling Marriage
Sixth: Finding Your True Worth When You've Been Betrayed
Seventh: Are You Enabling Your Spouse's Sin?
Eighth: The Best Tool for Restoring Relationships
Ninth: How to Build Teamwork in a Restored Marriage
Tenth: Restoring the Sexual Relationship in a Marriage
About Author, Amy Allen: When my husband's internet pornography addiction led to an affair, then acting out with prostitutes, I filed for divorce. But God used what seemed hopeless to bring us both into a real relationship with Jesus. He also redeemed our marriage. You can watch our testimony on The 700 Club(www.cbn.com/media/player/index.aspx) or visit our website athttp://www.aredeemedmarriage.com/. There truly is hope and healing for your marriage when you allow Jesus to redeem it! Tim and Amy Allen