Maintaining Emotional Calm in Your Marriage

I have always been fascinated about the story where Jesus calms the storm. Here we find Jesus and his disciples out on the Sea of Galilee and a storm comes up. The disciples panic and awaken Jesus, who is catching a cat nap in the bow of the boat.

"And He got up and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, 'Hush, be still.' And the wind died down and it became perfectly calm. And He said to them, 'Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?" (Mark 4:39-40)

Now I don't know about you, but I would have been one of those panicking during that storm. Even if I had been present for Jesus' miracles, I'd have worried and would have been one of those Jesus confronted for lack of faith.

How often do we panic as we face struggles in our lives, forgetting how faithful the Lord has been in our past? How often do we face challenges in our marriage, failing to ask the Lord for guidance and to 'calm the storm'?

"Are you two ready to put this issue behind you?" I asked the couple who had come to see me to save their marriage. They had practiced some of the communication tools we had been rehearsing but still seemed quite contentious.

"Yes," Tim and Sondra said in unison, relieved after nearly 20 minutes of bickering over Tim's recent anger outburst, which had left Sondra hurt and reeling. To Tim's credit, he had taken responsibility for saying hurtful things and had apologized. Sondra said she had forgiven him.

No sooner had they agreed to move forward then Sondra, apparently not completely finished with the issue, picked it back up again. I was surprised, as was Tim.

"I'm willing to let it go," Sondra said haltingly, "but I just don't understand why he said those things to me in the first place."

Bam! There it was. The deadly SHIFT! The moment when conversing becomes contentious. The SHIFT when accommodating becomes accusatory. The SHIFT when compassion become complaining.

Tim started to respond, but I stopped him.

"Are you folks sure you want to rehash this issue?" I asked. "It seems like this will take you back into arguing. Let's decide what is left to talk about. Let's decide what the real issue is and whether there is any real value in discussing it further."

While it is easy for me, as a bystander, to notice this SHIFT, it is much less apparent to those who are in the middle of it. Most couples don't recognize when they are talking at their mate as opposed to with their mate.

Perhaps this is the case for you. You may not notice when you SHIFT from being fully present and caring with your mate and when you move into an argumentative position. You move from being on the same team to becoming adversaries.  

Scripture, of course, has a lot to say about contention and quarreling. Solomon said, "Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop a matter before a dispute breaks out." (Proverbs 17:14) Imagine the breaching of a dam—floodwaters rushing out, destroying everything in its path. This is much the same as a contentious spirit. Contention becomes provocative, inciting anger, defensiveness and arguing.

Here are some further considerations regarding maintaining emotional calm in your marriage:

1. We must become experts at noticing The Shift—when we move from being with our mate to going at our mate.

Each of us must recognize when we are no longer able to listen to our mate. It is our responsibility to manage our emotions so we bring our Best Self to the conversation. We must be in an emotional state to completely listen. When we are no longer able to effectively listen, we must share this with our mate.

2. We must end all provocation.

Much of the time we believe we are talking reasonably, when in fact we are accusatory and provocative. There is a bite in our voice. We are making a complaint without realizing it. We believe we are in a space to talk, when in fact we feel defensive and hurt, ready to defend ourselves or attack our mate. 

3. When provocative, we must take responsibility for it and apologize.

Much can be remedied if we quickly take note of our attitude and actions and apologize. Likewise, we need to note when our mate is provocative and gently--and this is critical--bring this to their attention. "Could you say that a little differently" can be a gentle nudge in a better direction.

4. Know when to drop an issue.

Too many couples argue an issue to death. They engage in power struggles when it is best to simply agree to disagree or honor the validity of the others position. No one needs to be 'right' and certainly no one needs to be proved 'wrong.' Let the matter go and learn to live in harmony.

5. Celebrate emotional calm.

Be a peacemaker in your relationships. Even when feeling wronged or attacked, choose peace. Even when feeling provoked, choose peace. Listen carefully to what your mate may be trying to say, even if not said in the most effective manner. Be an effective listener and most important, stay away from The Shift!

Do you seek to get your own way or do you seek to make concessions? We are here to help. Please go to our website, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and discover more information about this as well as the free downloadable eBook, A Love Life of Your Dreams, including other free videos and articles.