Constructive Criticism: Pathway to Growth

Constructive criticism. Isn’t this an oxymoron? How can criticism ever be constructive?

Yet, Scripture seems clear that when there is conflict, which there will inevitably be, there is a process to go to a brother or sister to work it out. We read in Scripture that when a brother falters, we are to restore them gently. (Galatians 6:1) Certainly this restoration requires ‘constructive criticism.’ How else can we see what we are doing wrong?

We have an incredible ability to deceive ourselves. I have found this to be true in my own life. Invariably after a time of conflict with my wife, Christie, I discover how distorted my thinking had been. At the moment, I am entrenched in myopic thinking, only later to see truth. Have you discovered the same truth?

I hate criticism. My wife, Christie, is the first one who can accurately attest to this. As hard as I try, it never feels good to come up short as a husband in my wife’s eyes. Yet, without exception, when she criticizes me, there is at least a kernel (and often a mountain) of truth in her words.

Thankfully Christie has always been fair in her appraisal of my actions. She is not easily offended and offers criticism sparingly. She overlooks the trifles of life such as the dirty gym clothes lying on the bedroom floor, sharp words spoken when I’m tired and even my occasional forgetfulness.

When criticism comes, I deserve it. Not only do I deserve it, but need it for growth. I must embrace criticism and see it as a pathway to growth. Rather than protecting my ego from her criticisms, God expects even more out of me. He expects me to put my ego aside and love her unconditionally and grow.

Consider another way to view criticism in marriage. 

First, we can embrace criticism as a message from God.

If our mate complains about our behavior or attitudes, nearly always it has some measure of truth to it. Consider the truth latent in her concern and see if there is some legitimate message from God. Receive it with the knowledge that God is the Ultimate Messenger, not simply your wife.

Second, consider the message to be learned.

Have you failed to love your mate and make them feel secure? Have you created an environment where he/she might feel unloved? Is it possible that your actions have caused them undue stress and consternation? If the answer is ‘yes,’ consider yourself having not met God’s standards. 

Third, thank your mate for their message.

Rather than having an attitude of resistance and defensiveness, receive it with an open heart. Endeavor to not think of yourself as being above any criticism, but rather someone who needs to hear from your mate. You need not expect yourself to be perfect, but you do need to have an open attitude toward their concerns. Criticism is a unique opportunity to mature and improve your character.

Fourth, honor your mate for having the courage to tell you information you need to hear.

While their criticism may not feel good at the moment, your mate must be honored for bringing the issue to your attention. Scripture tells us that, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11)

Finally, determine to improve on the concerns.

As surely as you would never ignore a letter from God, (the Bible) you should never ignore a message from your mate. Treat their message as a standard set by God. Treat the message with the sobriety it deserves, validating it and vowing to improve upon their concerns. This honors both your mate and God.

Next time you face criticism from your mate, remember that any shortcoming with them is undoubtedly a shortcoming with God as well. Looking at the issue from this perspective will help you deal with criticism more effectively.

I’d like to hear from you. Have you struggled to receive constructive criticism? Would you like to be more emotionally available to hearing concerns? 

Please explore more about my work and specifically my Marriage Intensives at www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com. Send comments and questions to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com.