Rediscovering Healthy Self-Esteem

Have you ever wondered if it was appropriate for a Christian to have self-confidence? Is it OK to have self-esteem and a sense of appreciation for who we are and how we have been created?

Sadly, for many their sense of self is tarnished and harmed not only by troubling childhood experiences, but adult relationships as well. Vulnerabilities born in childhood are often amplified by hurtful experiences as adults.

I have found that Christians are not exempt from nagging self-esteem issues. While we know scriptures that illustrate how we are cared for by God, we struggle to balance that with scriptures suggesting we are to empty ourselves in service to others. To that we add the counsel that we must “defer to one another in love” (Ephesians 5:23).

Add to these concepts the conundrum many feel about boundaries. When are we to “go the extra mile” for people and when are we to draw the line? These are not issues easily resolved.

Confusion about how we feel about ourselves is often a blending of longstanding feelings stemming from childhood combined with feelings associated with adult choices. Struggles experienced in adult relationships are exacerbated by early childhood wounds, even if we are not fully aware of them or their impact.

I recently sat with Lisa, a woman who had recently asked her husband of 15 years to leave. She had tolerated years of emotional abuse and this had taken an incredible toll on her and her self-esteem. She had reached her limit and decided she needed to “bring the bottom to him.”

“I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in the last 10,” Lisa said. “I don’t know what I think of myself. If I measure what I’m worth by how he treated me, I’m not worth much.”


“I’m not a beauty queen,” she continued, “but I have taken good care of myself up until the last few years. But, being mistreated for years has hurt me horribly.” 

“Absolutely,” I said. “You have every right to feel rejected, hurt, and angry.”

“What this does to me mostly is remind me of longstanding feelings of being ‘second class,’” she said. “I’ve had self-esteem issues my entire life, and this really hurts.”

Lisa began to cry, adding, “I hate to cry.”

“Why is that?” I questioned. “Seems like you have every reason to cry.”

“It’s not going to help anything,” she answered with irritation. “That’s not going to get me anywhere.”

“Your husband treated you poorly, you’re raising three kids on your own, and you won’t let yourself cry? You have been through a lot, Lisa.”

“My husband hated it when I cried. I remember that my father hated it too. I’ve learned to hate any weakness in me,” she said.

“Hmm,” I said. “This seems like a time when allowing yourself to hurt, cry, and be upset would be very natural.”

We spent the next several sessions talking about the emotional abuse from her husband as well as her childhood struggles. We explored how Lisa entered marriage with vulnerabilities, all taking a significant toll on her. We worked to heal wounds to her self-esteem so she would be better equipped to set firm boundaries with her husband.

Working on healthy self-esteem is challenging under the best of conditions, but something many must do. Some of the issues many face include the following:

First, set aside time for self-awareness.

You can’t heal what you can’t feel. Lisa’s first task was to talk about how her husband’s abuse had impacted her. I often have women (and men) write out how they have been abused and the impact this has had on their perception of themselves. This is often a painful journey and may need to be done with professional guidance.

Second, determine to seek self-acceptance.

This required that Lisa examine her different emotions and accept them. She had to become aware of her attitudes and feelings, recognize where she was overly critical of her self and adopt a more loving and caring attitude. She had to become her own cheerleader, celebrating her strengths and working on her weaknesses.

Third, strive for self-assertiveness.

Lisa would need to honor her needs and wants, asking for what was important to her. She would need to set boundaries, especially in relationship to her husband and his inappropriate behavior. She would need to speak up, be firm, and develop a sense of control over her life—paying close attention to acknowledging what she had some control over, and what she could not control.

Fourth, establish goals to enhance her sense of self.

Having lived under the shadow of an overbearing husband, Lisa needed to spend time with herself and establish goals for who she wanted to be. She would spend time dreaming about her future and who she wanted to become.

Finally, support her self-integrity.

Lisa had to learn about her values, discover what was true for her and live accordingly. She had to step back, listen carefully to God and determine the best decisions for herself and her children. She decided she would begin journaling every day, asking herself the question of ‘What is true for me today?’ She vowed to live according to scriptural principles and what she believed was true for her.

Lisa has grown tremendously over the past several months. While her husband has yet to return to their marriage, she is clear about her boundaries and feels a sense of peace in the midst of the storm. She reflects upon this scripture: 

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:13-14)

I’d like to hear from you. Have you struggled to develop a healthy sense of self? Are you able to find a balance of serving others as well as asking for what you need?