Marriage 911
If you could ensure that you never had another argument, would that interest you? At first glance you might say, ‘Of course. Who wants to argue?’
Some people actually are argumentative. This is a character trait that is wired into them, and unwiring it from your personality may be more difficult than you think.
I’d like to think that I avoid arguments, and I believe this is generally true. However, under the right (or wrong) circumstances, I can ‘bite’ into arguing with nearly anyone. Not long ago I engaged in an argument with my wife, Christie.
Coming home after a long day I walked into the house.
“Hello,” she said, obviously engrossed in something important.
“Hello” I said, feeling a bit put off by her busyness.
Unaware of my irritation, I shuffled by her and went upstairs and began changing my clothes. She came upstairs after me.
“You OK?” she asked. “You seem a bit distant.”
“I’m fine,” I said, still uncertain as to what I was feeling. “But, you could have greeted me nicer when I walked in.”
“You’re right,” she said. “Welcome home.”
“Well, it doesn’t mean as much now,” I said sharply. “Why didn’t you get up and greet me when I came in.”
“David,” she said, pausing. “I told you I’m sorry, but I’m not going to argue with you.”
“I’m not arguing,” I countered. “I just want to know why you didn’t get up when I came in. You hardly looked up.”
“David,” she said again calmly. “I love you too much to argue with you. I’m sorry I’ve hurt your feelings.”
Having written a book about not fighting — Never Fight Again, Guaranteed! — it is hard to believe I can be so argumentative at times. I have rehearsed, reviewed, and reconsidered the importance of not being argumentative. Still, I can slip back into old behavior.
I stepped back and smiled.
“Good job,” I said, the potentially volatile scene diffused by my insight.
“Thank you,” she said. “Have you had a tough day?”
“Yes,” I said. “And I need a hug.”
Christie quickly obliged as I told her of my tiredness. Not only had we averted an argument, but also I felt soothed and comforted by her presence. I was in a win-win situation—not only did I not add insult to my already ruffled feelings, but had the close relationship to my wife that I enjoy.
Let’s take a closer look at this strategy that you too can use in your relationship.
First, refuse to argue.
Oh yes, I know this is much easier said than done. But, if you anticipate situations that arise, ruffling your feelings, you can also anticipate how to handle them more effectively. Consider all of your relationships—with mate, friends, and colleagues—and determine not to engage in arguments.
Second, be alert.
Catch yourself walking into the courtroom of life-- where you want to engage in an argument, where you want to poke at someone, where you want to prove a point—into the sanctuary, where you want to connect and be at peace with your mate, your friends and others in your life.
Third, have a ready response, such as ‘I care about you too much to argue with you.’
This simple phrase is disarming. If you refuse to get hooked by someone’s challenging behavior, you will be much safer. It takes two to tango, so if someone tries engaging you in a battle, but you refuse to show up, a fight cannot occur. Plus your words can be felt as soothing and comforting, further deescalating a volatile situation.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18) This powerful scripture makes our response clear—be at peace with everyone. While I can only be accountable for my response, my response is powerful. Christie refused to fight with me, and subsequently no fight occurred. She lived out the scripture beautifully, while it took me a little longer to live peacefully.
Finally, make it your goal to refuse to argue.
Stay out of the courtroom in your relationships. Simply refuse to argue and more important, practice the art of neutralizing arguments by telling your friend, mate or colleague that you care too much about your relationship with them to engage in fruitless arguing.
Which is better, arguing or feeling closely connected? The choice is easy. Do you long for caring connection? We are here to help. Please go to our website, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and discover more information about this as well as the free downloadable eBook, A Love Life of Your Dreams, including other free videos and articles. Please send responses to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website. You’ll find videos and podcasts on sexual addiction, emotionally destructive marriages, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.
You Can Avoid Arguments
If you could ensure that you never had another argument, would that interest you? At first glance you might say, ‘Of course. Who wants to argue?’
Some people actually are argumentative. This is a character trait that is wired into them, and unwiring it from your personality may be more difficult than you think.
I’d like to think that I avoid arguments, and I believe this is generally true. However, under the right (or wrong) circumstances, I can ‘bite’ into arguing with nearly anyone. Not long ago I engaged in an argument with my wife, Christie.
Coming home after a long day I walked into the house.
“Hello,” she said, obviously engrossed in something important.
“Hello” I said, feeling a bit put off by her busyness.
Unaware of my irritation, I shuffled by her and went upstairs and began changing my clothes. She came upstairs after me.
“You OK?” she asked. “You seem a bit distant.”
“I’m fine,” I said, still uncertain as to what I was feeling. “But, you could have greeted me nicer when I walked in.”
“You’re right,” she said. “Welcome home.”
“Well, it doesn’t mean as much now,” I said sharply. “Why didn’t you get up and greet me when I came in.”
“David,” she said, pausing. “I told you I’m sorry, but I’m not going to argue with you.”
“I’m not arguing,” I countered. “I just want to know why you didn’t get up when I came in. You hardly looked up.”
“David,” she said again calmly. “I love you too much to argue with you. I’m sorry I’ve hurt your feelings.”
Having written a book about not fighting — Never Fight Again, Guaranteed! — it is hard to believe I can be so argumentative at times. I have rehearsed, reviewed, and reconsidered the importance of not being argumentative. Still, I can slip back into old behavior.
I stepped back and smiled.
“Good job,” I said, the potentially volatile scene diffused by my insight.
“Thank you,” she said. “Have you had a tough day?”
“Yes,” I said. “And I need a hug.”
Christie quickly obliged as I told her of my tiredness. Not only had we averted an argument, but also I felt soothed and comforted by her presence. I was in a win-win situation—not only did I not add insult to my already ruffled feelings, but had the close relationship to my wife that I enjoy.
Let’s take a closer look at this strategy that you too can use in your relationship.
First, refuse to argue.
Oh yes, I know this is much easier said than done. But, if you anticipate situations that arise, ruffling your feelings, you can also anticipate how to handle them more effectively. Consider all of your relationships—with mate, friends, and colleagues—and determine not to engage in arguments.
Second, be alert.
Catch yourself walking into the courtroom of life-- where you want to engage in an argument, where you want to poke at someone, where you want to prove a point—into the sanctuary, where you want to connect and be at peace with your mate, your friends and others in your life.
Third, have a ready response, such as ‘I care about you too much to argue with you.’
This simple phrase is disarming. If you refuse to get hooked by someone’s challenging behavior, you will be much safer. It takes two to tango, so if someone tries engaging you in a battle, but you refuse to show up, a fight cannot occur. Plus your words can be felt as soothing and comforting, further deescalating a volatile situation.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18) This powerful scripture makes our response clear—be at peace with everyone. While I can only be accountable for my response, my response is powerful. Christie refused to fight with me, and subsequently no fight occurred. She lived out the scripture beautifully, while it took me a little longer to live peacefully.
Finally, make it your goal to refuse to argue.
Stay out of the courtroom in your relationships. Simply refuse to argue and more important, practice the art of neutralizing arguments by telling your friend, mate or colleague that you care too much about your relationship with them to engage in fruitless arguing.
Which is better, arguing or feeling closely connected? The choice is easy. Do you long for caring connection? We are here to help. Please go to our website, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and discover more information about this as well as the free downloadable eBook, A Love Life of Your Dreams, including other free videos and articles. Please send responses to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website. You’ll find videos and podcasts on sexual addiction, emotionally destructive marriages, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.
About This Blogger
Dr. David Hawkins is the director of The Marriage Recovery Center and has been helping couples in crisis for more than 30 years.