Marriage 911
It is difficult to change.
Now of course that is not news to you. Facing your faults, honestly, is not only frightening, but very challenging. We have practiced our behaviors, and our behavior faults, for a long time. These behaviors come easily and naturally to us. It should come as no surprise then that changing entrenched character patterns is tough, tough work.
Not only is it difficult to change, but this work is only done by the bravest or most desperate of individuals. Change is typically only embraced by those who truly value personal growth or those forced into change by a crisis.
This latter group are changing after “the breakdown that leads to the breakthrough” and is frankly the majority of those who seek my help.
Why is it that it takes a breakdown for us to have a breakthrough? Well, there are several well-documented reasons for this.
1. Our brains appreciate patterns. Our brains like to do things the same way. Our brains like routines and actually adapt in certain ways to certain circumstances.
2. We can tolerate some different circumstances, but by and large we are creatures of habit. Yes, it’s true. We are all creatures of habit. Marketing people count on the fact that once we enjoy a certain activity, we’ll engage in it again and again.
3. We all live with at least some denial. We deny that we are engaging in destructive behavior. We minimize the negative impact this behavior has upon us and others. We don’t want to have to face the severity of our circumstances and in the face of trouble may actually tell ourselves, “I’m fine. I’m in control. There is nothing to worry about.”
If, through trauma, stress, troubling experiences and addictions, you’ve developed some dysfunctional ways of viewing and navigating through your world, and some patterns that must be changed, you may need to have your personal computer—your brain—reprogrammed. Those entrenched patterns can be powerfully destructive!
I just finished a conversation with a very angry man, set upon blaming his wife for everything that had gone wrong in their marriage. Separated and facing divorce, he felt threatened and out of control.
“I’m just so mad,” Dale shouted. “Why does she act the way she does? She won’t take responsibility for anything.”
“You know Dale,” I said softly. “I can see that beneath your anger is a lot of pain.”
With that he grabbed his head, hitting his hands on the chair. He was frightened and hurt that his wife, Lisa, had left him. He feared divorce.
“Being angry won’t help you,” I continued. “Blaming her for blaming you isn’t going to get us much ground. Sharing your sadness with her might.”
“She won’t listen to me,” he said, his eyes moist with tears. “She has her mind made up. She wants out so she can be free. Everything has to be her way. She…”
“Maybe it does for a while,” I interrupted. “But the way you’re viewing things now isn’t helping you. We have to look at your “default” method of functioning, and see how that is contributing to the problem. Then we need to look at her “default” way of functioning. I call them our “de-Faults,” because they are faulty ways of interacting that create chaos in our lives.”
“Oh, we do things the same way,” he stammered. “No question about that. Same dance, different day.”
“Yeah,” I responded. “Join the human race. Now, let’s get down to business. Let’s play a different song, so you can do a different dance with her. OK?”
“I’ll do my part, Doc!” he said.
With that Dale and I laid out a plan for changing his “default” patterns of thinking and behaving so that his interactions with his wife would change. Here was our plan:
First, know your patterns of behavior.
We cannot change anything we don’t fully understand. Just like we can’t change the way our computer looks or acts without going into the “default settings,” we must do the same with our thoughts and actions. We must step back, reflect and consider how we naturally think and behave. If you have any doubts or don’t fully understand how you “naturally” behave, ask someone close to you, willing to tell you the truth.
Second, consider the impact of what you do.
After fully understanding your natural tendencies—your defaults, consider the impact these attitudes and behaviors have upon you and others. Consider the ripple effect. List some of the ways these behaviors affect you. What is the most detrimental behavior you repeat over and over again?
Third, develop a strategy for changing your behavior.
Scripture tells us that we must “renew our minds” if we don’t want to be conformed to this world and our old ways of behaving (Romans 12:2). We cannot simply wish our minds to change—we must change them! Reading Scripture and other good Bible-based literature, listening to uplifting music, limiting our intake of television, are all ways to change our mind.
Fourth, develop a clear, healthy mind-set and behavior change goal.
Scripture tells us the Truth will set us free. Propose to tell yourself the truth, ridding yourself of lies and distortions that create chaos in your life. Scripture and wise counsel will help us know right ways of thinking and behaving. Outline a clear plan for change.
Finally, develop an accountability partner for change.
Studies indicate we are more likely to stick to a behavior change goal if we talk about it, share it with others and have someone who will hold us accountable for change. They must know our precise goals, including a plan for changing attitudes as well as behaviors.
Do you have damaging behavior you want to change? We’d love to hear from you.
Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.
Have the Courage to Change
It is difficult to change.
Now of course that is not news to you. Facing your faults, honestly, is not only frightening, but very challenging. We have practiced our behaviors, and our behavior faults, for a long time. These behaviors come easily and naturally to us. It should come as no surprise then that changing entrenched character patterns is tough, tough work.
Not only is it difficult to change, but this work is only done by the bravest or most desperate of individuals. Change is typically only embraced by those who truly value personal growth or those forced into change by a crisis.
This latter group are changing after “the breakdown that leads to the breakthrough” and is frankly the majority of those who seek my help.
Why is it that it takes a breakdown for us to have a breakthrough? Well, there are several well-documented reasons for this.
1. Our brains appreciate patterns. Our brains like to do things the same way. Our brains like routines and actually adapt in certain ways to certain circumstances.
2. We can tolerate some different circumstances, but by and large we are creatures of habit. Yes, it’s true. We are all creatures of habit. Marketing people count on the fact that once we enjoy a certain activity, we’ll engage in it again and again.
3. We all live with at least some denial. We deny that we are engaging in destructive behavior. We minimize the negative impact this behavior has upon us and others. We don’t want to have to face the severity of our circumstances and in the face of trouble may actually tell ourselves, “I’m fine. I’m in control. There is nothing to worry about.”
If, through trauma, stress, troubling experiences and addictions, you’ve developed some dysfunctional ways of viewing and navigating through your world, and some patterns that must be changed, you may need to have your personal computer—your brain—reprogrammed. Those entrenched patterns can be powerfully destructive!
I just finished a conversation with a very angry man, set upon blaming his wife for everything that had gone wrong in their marriage. Separated and facing divorce, he felt threatened and out of control.
“I’m just so mad,” Dale shouted. “Why does she act the way she does? She won’t take responsibility for anything.”
“You know Dale,” I said softly. “I can see that beneath your anger is a lot of pain.”
With that he grabbed his head, hitting his hands on the chair. He was frightened and hurt that his wife, Lisa, had left him. He feared divorce.
“Being angry won’t help you,” I continued. “Blaming her for blaming you isn’t going to get us much ground. Sharing your sadness with her might.”
“She won’t listen to me,” he said, his eyes moist with tears. “She has her mind made up. She wants out so she can be free. Everything has to be her way. She…”
“Maybe it does for a while,” I interrupted. “But the way you’re viewing things now isn’t helping you. We have to look at your “default” method of functioning, and see how that is contributing to the problem. Then we need to look at her “default” way of functioning. I call them our “de-Faults,” because they are faulty ways of interacting that create chaos in our lives.”
“Oh, we do things the same way,” he stammered. “No question about that. Same dance, different day.”
“Yeah,” I responded. “Join the human race. Now, let’s get down to business. Let’s play a different song, so you can do a different dance with her. OK?”
“I’ll do my part, Doc!” he said.
With that Dale and I laid out a plan for changing his “default” patterns of thinking and behaving so that his interactions with his wife would change. Here was our plan:
First, know your patterns of behavior.
We cannot change anything we don’t fully understand. Just like we can’t change the way our computer looks or acts without going into the “default settings,” we must do the same with our thoughts and actions. We must step back, reflect and consider how we naturally think and behave. If you have any doubts or don’t fully understand how you “naturally” behave, ask someone close to you, willing to tell you the truth.
Second, consider the impact of what you do.
After fully understanding your natural tendencies—your defaults, consider the impact these attitudes and behaviors have upon you and others. Consider the ripple effect. List some of the ways these behaviors affect you. What is the most detrimental behavior you repeat over and over again?
Third, develop a strategy for changing your behavior.
Scripture tells us that we must “renew our minds” if we don’t want to be conformed to this world and our old ways of behaving (Romans 12:2). We cannot simply wish our minds to change—we must change them! Reading Scripture and other good Bible-based literature, listening to uplifting music, limiting our intake of television, are all ways to change our mind.
Fourth, develop a clear, healthy mind-set and behavior change goal.
Scripture tells us the Truth will set us free. Propose to tell yourself the truth, ridding yourself of lies and distortions that create chaos in your life. Scripture and wise counsel will help us know right ways of thinking and behaving. Outline a clear plan for change.
Finally, develop an accountability partner for change.
Studies indicate we are more likely to stick to a behavior change goal if we talk about it, share it with others and have someone who will hold us accountable for change. They must know our precise goals, including a plan for changing attitudes as well as behaviors.
Do you have damaging behavior you want to change? We’d love to hear from you.
Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.
About This Blogger
Dr. David Hawkins is the director of The Marriage Recovery Center and has been helping couples in crisis for more than 30 years.