The Power of Active Listening

I sat listening to my wife, Christie, while inwardly reflecting on my day. She continued to share about her day while I planned what I needed to do the next day.

“Are you listening to me?” she said sharply, snapping me out of my daydreams.

“Uh, yes,” I said dishonestly. “You were talking about your day.”

I felt embarrassed and guilty that she had noticed my lack of focus. Truth be told, I wasn’t really listening. I wasn’t listening to her heart, her feelings, or her longings. I wasn’t reflecting on what she was saying, considering what I might contribute to her concerns. I wasn’t really listening.

Not only wasn’t I listening—I was involved in my own internal musings. I was completely detached from her even though I feigned interest. I was being dishonest and disingenuous to say the least. 

Having admitted my weakness, it is challenging to be a good listener. It requires, at the least, that we want to listen. We must put aside our own agenda and musings and be fully available to our mate. Such attentiveness renders HUGE rewards.

Let’s consider some of the payoffs of active listening:

• We create a powerful bond and connection to our mate. They recognize and experience that we care about them. This specific interest shouts that we care about our mate.
• We learn more about our mate. This active listening allows us to learn what is important to our mate. We learn about their concerns, their joys and their celebrations. We learn what makes their heart beat. 
• We discover ways that we are similar. As we actively listen to our mate, we resonate with what they are saying. We develop this reverberation with them. This empathic connection is the backbone of love. 
• We create a space in their heart to listen to us. As we listen to others, it is natural for them to want to listen to us. They feel cared for and then naturally care for us.

Let’s consider some steps that will lead the way to silencing our inner voices so that we can cultivate empathic, active listening:

First, decide to be a good, active listener.

You must silence your inner wanderings and wonderings so you can tune into your mate. Be aware of your drifting and choose to really listen to your mate. Remind yourself of the benefits that will occur if you listen actively.

Second, put any defensiveness aside.

OK, this is much easier said than done, but if you do not turn down the volume on the ‘yes, but….” you can never really hear what your mate is saying. You must acknowledge your defensiveness—the part of you that feels threatened, vulnerable, upset about what your mate is saying—tell yourself this ‘interference’ will stop you from being fully present to your mate.

Third, acknowledge the heart of what they are saying.

Having turned down the volume on your defensiveness, repeat to them what you heard them say. “So, you’re saying….” Repeat this until you’ve accurately reflected the heart of what they are saying. You don’t have to agree with it, but you do have to understand it and reflect the validity of their words.

Fourth, slice it thinner.

This means you ask questions so you understand the fullness of what they are saying. “Are you saying…?” “Do you mean…?” Teasing out the bits of important communication is a critical aspect of active listening.

Fifth, keep the emotion manageable.

Nothing prevents true listening like heated emotion. Anger tends to narrow our focus, exaggerate our responses and pit us against our mate. Discouragement can lead us to hear only the worst part of what our mate is saying to us. Every couple longing to be listened to must keep their emotion manageable. They must learn to call ‘Time Outs’ if necessary to make certain they are in an emotional space to hear their mate.

Finally, slowly digest the truth of what they are saying.

Keeping your defensiveness volume turned down, or set aside, you consider what your mate is saying and allow it to influence you. While you may want to argue with your mate, don’t. Consider what they are saying and the truth of it. If you cannot digest and agree with all of what your mate is saying, see if you can agree with a ‘kernel of truth’ in what they are saying. Reflect to your mate that you hear the value of what they are saying to you.

Scripture tells us that we should be “quick to listen and slow to speak” (James 1:19). This certainly goes against our innate tendency to be quick to speak and slow to listen. Healthy couples perfect the art of listening, and this not only diffuses conflict but also creates a powerful, loving connection. Try ‘slicing it thinner’ and notice the impact on both you and your mate.

We’d love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and www.thecenterforhealing.org. Learn more about our work in healing trauma through Lifespan Integration. We are happy to answer your questions about this new, effective way to resolve old wounds.