Feeling Lonely in Your Marriage?

There are times when we need a tune-up for our marriage. There are other times when we must step back and acknowledge that our marriage is in serious trouble, and we must find appropriate help for the degree of trouble we are experiencing.

Marriages in trouble often get to that point because walls of separation have built up over time by criticism, rejection, and hurt. Over time, this distance grows into layers of detachment, isolation, and rejection.

“We don’t talk the way we used to,” Katherine said, the pain etched into her face and eyes. Her husband, Saul, sat stony silent. They had been married 16 years, with the past four or five being horrible.

“What has happened?” I asked during their Marriage Intensive.

“I don’t know,” Saul offered. “She sits on the computer in the evenings and I watch television. I don’t feel like she really cares about me and I’m betting that she doesn’t feel I care about her.”

“That’s true,” Katherine said. “We still talk about work, and sometimes politics, but not much personal. We have both retreated emotionally. I don’t think either of us trusts the other with our vulnerable feelings.”

“I can see that our Marriage ICU could be an opportunity for ‘I see you.’ Pretty good, huh?” Katherine said, the first hint of a smile during this counseling session.

“Marriage ICU is an opportunity for Marriage I See You,” I reiterated. “We all long to be seen, to have someone reach into our lives and say those magic words, ‘I care about you.’”

Katherine spontaneously shared a story from her youth that was triggered by her husband’s rejection.

“I remember when I was a teenager,” Katherine started, “when I would play alone and nobody would come and find me. I sometimes feel that way with Saul. I want him to ask me about my day. What am I feeling? What do I still hurt about? I want him to care that much!”

Katherine began to cry.

“I didn’t know I hurt so much in my marriage,” she shared. “I thought I was numb to the pain.”

Saul watched, speechless.

“Did you know this story, Saul?” I asked.

He shook his head ‘no.’

“I think she’s saying that she wants you to reach into her heart and show that you care.”

We spent the next two hours talking about how to lower the walls of distance between them. We practiced sharing from what I describe as ‘Our Most Vulnerable Self,’ where we share our feelings and needs. Both teared up as they made the most genuine contact they had made in years. I watched as they slowly began to heal from years of distance and isolation.

Here are some things you can do if you, like Katherine and Saul, find yourselves detached and isolated in your pain, wanting to receive the healing you can find in Marriage Intensive Care.
   
First, share how much you want to see your mate.

Let them know you are genuinely interested in their welfare. Admit that you have taken the interest in them that you should have and sincerely want to learn about them. Ask if they’d be willing to share more of their true feelings and thoughts with you.

Second, share, in a non-accusatory manner, how much you want to be seen by your mate.

Share that you are willing to expose more of your Most Vulnerable Self—your inner thoughts and feelings—to your mate if they will ask about them. Share that you want to be seen and known.

Third, agree to create a safe environment where you begin to share more of yourselves with each other.

Aware that it will require a certain chemistry to talk to each other, agree to sit together every evening, share more and more of yourselves with each other. Set up special evenings out where conversation is more conducive. Read a book to each other and then discuss it. Discuss the sermon at church and the meaning it had in your lives. Remember ways you used to make contact with each other.

Fourth, reinforce each other’s efforts to be more transparent.

Catch each other ‘doing it right,’ where your mate extends himself or herself for you. Show genuine appreciation for their willingness to show caring and affection toward you. Showing appreciation and affirmation increases the likelihood of a behavior being repeated.

Finally, keep the momentum going.

Understand that it will take effort to change old patterns as well as energy to keep the positivity going. Notice the increased intimacy (“into me see”) and the increased connection. Enjoy each other’s company, making special note that you are moving out of Marriage Intensive Care and into a healthy, transparent relationship.

I’d like to hear from you. Have you allowed years of conflict and tension to erode your connection to each other? Do you struggle with feelings of detachment and disconnection?