Are You Working Too Hard in Your Marriage?

Is there such a thing as working too hard on your marriage? If the many calls I get from women are any indication, the answer to that is 'yes'.

While we are called to be love selflessly in marriage, "considering others more highly than ourselves," there is such a thing as giving too much so that our giving enables our mate to give too little.

Have I lost you?

Consider a recent Marriage Intensive when the wife bent over backwards to please her husband, with little positive result. I have seen their pattern many times. One mate gives until it hurts while the other acts irresponsibly, taking and taking and taking.

I receive many emails from women who are resentful of their husbands for giving too little. Harriet Lerner, in her book, The Dance of Anger, talks about women who are "overfunctioners." In fact, she notes that women overfunction "with a vengeance while complaining all the way."

I see this pattern occurring in many marriages: women who complain about how much they have to do, while enabling men to be emotionally, spiritually and sometimes even physically absent. The problem is that women unintentionally reinforce this pattern of men being emotionally absent while growing increasingly resentful.

Scripture calls for us to be in mutual submission to one another (Ephesians 5:21-22). We are to submit to one another for the benefit of the marriage. When one dominates the other, or takes advantage of the others generosity, trouble is likely to ensue.

Here are a few additional thoughts on having balanced mutuality in your marriage.

First, there IS such a thing as working too hard.

It may be more accurate to say one can be misguided in their work on the marriage. It is healthy to work hard on a marriage, but done in the right way.

Second, work hard, but don’t enable dysfunction.

I appreciate how hard most women work on their marriage. However, this should not reach proportions where dysfunction is tolerated or enable. Men must be expected to do their part to maintain a vibrant marriage.

Both men and women must carry their load in their marriage. Your marriage needs to be transformed, from responsible/ irresponsible to mutually responsible.

Third, guard against what Harriet Lerner calls an "overfunctioner."

Have you chosen to be with someone who under-functions? It is critical that you explore your motives to ensure that you are willing to give up some of the responsibility you wish to attract. As you let go of responsibility there may be times when you live with uncertainty. When you let go, will he pick up? When you cut back, will he step up to accept responsibility? When you set a boundary, will you back it up?

Finally, expect mutual responsibility. Sit down with your mate and discuss the health of your marriage.

Who has what role and how are they doing in that role? How happy are you with the division of responsibilities? It may be time to consider these issues and make new decisions that will enhance your marriage.

In my book, When Pleasing Others is Hurting You, I explain how healthy marriages are built, in large part, on mutual respect. If you have further thoughts on this topic, we would love to hear from you. Share your story in the comments section below or email me a confidential note.