Hope for Your Troubled Marriage

More marriages are in trouble than I have ever seen in my 40 years of clinical practice. I receive phone calls and emails every day from individuals begging for help for their marriage.

Both men and women reach out pleading for help. Their mate has left. They've been told their mate no longer loves them. Perhaps, they've been told their mate is having an affair and is leaving.

If you are in this situation, know you are in good company—and know there is hope. Yes, there is hope. In the midst of the most painful news you've ever received, there is hope!

"I don't know if we can make it," Jade said recently. "He doesn't love me anymore. Please help me."

"My wife is having an affair," Daniel said. "She said she is leaving. I can't stand it. I can't survive this."

"My husband said he isn't sure he wants to stay married," Karen echoed sadly. "What can I possibly do to win his heart back?"

Each of these situations are desperate and my words are not meant to in any way trivialize the gut-wrenching shock that these words bring. Each is filled with abject fear and mind-numbing sorrow. Each person seeks any thread of hope that can be given.

In the face of these terrifying words, you suddenly see the role you've played in the break. Now, you recognize your behavior has damaged your marriage, and you're hoping the damage is not irreparable. You're hoping you can still save your marriage, that your efforts will be met with a positive response by your mate.

The problem is, how do you know where to start? What exactly do you have to do to save your marriage? The task is daunting, with no clear guidelines. You weren't clear about what you did to harm your marriage, and now you have even less of an idea about how to repair it. You are confused about what to do to win your mate's heart again. You had it once and want it again. It would be easier if your wife would give you an instruction manual titled "How to Repair Your Damaged Marriage," but of course, that isn't going to happen. So, you're left to pick up the hints she offers, and attempt to piece together her complaints into some kind of a plan. This feels ineffective at best, hopeless at worst. As I have said, there is hope! There is much you can do. One step at a time, you can have an impact on your mate.

In the midst of immense trouble, consider these practical steps:

First, every complaint is an opportunity.

Step back and consider your mate's complaints and the desperate scream hidden in them. You may have time to make repairs, but you must begin now!

Second, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get to work.

Yes, I know you are in excruciating pain. I know you feel discouraged and desperate. Still, it's time to get to work. Swirling in pain will not help your situation. It's time for solution-focused action.

Third, sit down with your mate and really listen.

With an open mind, setting aside defenses, make note of all their complaints. Offer no rebuttal or excuses. This is their time and place to voice their unhappiness, and you must listen and take their comments to heart. Doing this alone will begin a very positive change process.

Fourth, having made note of their complaints, put together a plan of action for change.

This may very well require professional help. We don't tend to see ourselves very clearly, especially when it comes to someone criticizing our actions. It is critical that you prioritize the issues. Working on one issue at a time will help you feel like you're making progress, and will help your mate see you are taking them seriously.

Fifth, get plenty of support, especially spiritual strength.

During this most challenging, confusing time, seek the Lord. You cannot make it through this without the Lord! He has promised never to leave you alone. Seek support from same-sex friends. Gather those around you who will offer hope and pray with you. Gather people who will kindly listen, even as you repeat your pain time and again.

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not become faint." (Isaiah 40:31)

Finally, don't expect yourself to be perfect, but do expect yourself to make consistent progress.

"Progress, not perfection," must be your motto. Learn from the bumps, so they don't continue to occur. Celebrate small gains and maintain a positive attitude. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Step by step progress can occur and hope will be renewed!