When Conversation Makes You Crazy

I got my feelings hurt yesterday. I'm a sensitive guy and getting my feelings hurt is not unusual. This is not to say that my wife is callous or careless with her words, as she is not.

My feelings get hurt and so do yours!

The problem, sadly, didn't stop there. Not only did I get my feelings hurt, but I pouted, yet again. This is an old, childish behavior I have vowed to rid from my life.

But again, the problem didn't stop there. When my wife, Christie confronted me, asking me what was wrong and why was I acting so distant, I made excuses. I justified, rationalized, distorted, distracted, and generally created a mess. All of this, please understand, happened within minutes. We went from having a fine exchange to going in circles, and I was the culprit.

You can imagine the impact.

Christie was left reeling from my indirect, passive-aggressive pouting. When she confronted me, initially I offered excuses, justifications and rationalizations—not taking responsibility for my hurt and my hurtful actions. This created even more chaos.

It was not until I mustered the courage to look her in the eyes and own up to my many levels of denial that we were able to pull out of our spin. I certainly wish I would have immediately talked about my hurt feelings—that is my goal. But, I didn't.

I certainly wish I would have owned up to my confusing, confabulation immediately, but again, I didn't. Subsequently, what could have taken 2 minutes to resolve took 15.

Why did I act the way I did? I was hurt. But that is not enough to explain such actions. We all get our feelings hurt. I was afraid to talk to her about my hurt feelings and resorted to habitual patterns for me. These are habitual patterns I must break and replace with new, healthier actions.

Here are some tools I'm learning and offer them to you to learn as well.

First, notice your habitual patterns.

There is power in habit, for good and for bad. Notice what you tend to do when your feelings are hurt. Notice what you do, what you say and how you say it.

Second, interrupt the dysfunctional habit patterns.

If it's predictable, it's preventable. I can, moving forward, notice with greater awareness, how I respond when my feelings are hurt. I can, and will, ask Christie to help me break this pattern.  

Third, ask for what I need.

We all have the power to ask for what we need. We can feel our feelings, determine what is needed and then ask for help. We rarely have to go it alone. Many others are ready and willing to help us pull out of our emotional spins.

Fourth, courageously practice new, healthier patterns.

Old patterns of withdrawing, avoiding, blame-shifting, and confusing behavior only adds layers of craziness to a relationship. Don't do it. Notice the patterns, take responsibility and lean into new, healthier patterns.

Finally, enjoy these new, healthier patterns of taking responsibility for your relationship.

Yes, you can have the power, with God's help, to change interactions with your mate and others. God has given you a spirit of power and love and self-control, and that is available to you. (II Timothy 1: 7) Imagine functioning with power, love and self-control, and using this power to change your conversation from craziness to compassion and connection.

Are you in a marriage where there is confusing conversation? We'd love to hear from you.

Let us know by sharing a comment below or send a confidential note to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com. You can read more about The Marriage Recovery Center at: www.marriagerecoverycenter.com.