Breaking the Cycle of Verbal Abuse

Do you speak negatively to your children? Do you feel you could be verbally abusive to your children or others? Are you a victim of verbal abuse yourself?

Verbal abuse is a serious matter. Words can be the harshest weapon. The way you speak to your children will affect them even in the years to come. It’s not always easy to speak lovingly, nor is it always easy to bite your tongue when you are angry. Because of this, many fall into the pattern of the verbal abuser.

In many ways, verbal abuse can be more difficult to heal from than physical abuse. The scars are internal, unseen, and often ignored. They can affect the heart and soul of a person for years.

Allowing your words to hurt people can become a part of your legacy in life if you do not seek help for it. What you say to others and how you handle yourself will ruin relationships. Children are especially vulnerable to verbal abuse. You can emotionally and psychologically tear a child apart with your words destroying their self-esteem and confidence.

No one thinks they could become a verbal abuser. When your sweet baby is born, you don’t picture yourself verbally striking them. But when you get angry and allow the things you say to cut them down, it can damage their innocence and trust.

In the book of James, it says: Out of the same mouth proceeded blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be. (James 3:10)

The only expressions we should use are those of wisdom and loving guidance. Learn to build those around you up; in this way, we are emulating God’s love. Even if you are angry, your child should not feel the wrath of angry, cruel worlds. Reassure your child and show them how they are wonderful.

With it being such an easy thing to do, verbal abuse can become the way a family works. I have seen many families pass down the legacy of verbal abuse from generation to generation. It is definitely a learned behavior. As a parent yells at their child with insults or criticism, that child is learning to respond in that way.

If your family tends to say hurtful and slanderous remarks, it’s time to break the cycle of verbal assault. If you are unsure you are in a verbally abusive relationship or have yourself been verbally abusive, it is important to ask yourself a few questions:

• Do you frequently feel frustrated at your children and allow yourself to loose your temper and scream at them?
• Do you sometimes get so angry with your children you feel you have no control over what you are saying?
• When you notice their hurt, do you make up excuses as to why it is their fault or why you have a valid reason to react that way?
• Have you insulted or shamed a member of your family when you are mad?
• Do you push the buttons of those around you on purpose?
• Do you use your words to make your children or spouse feel bad?
• Do you feel that you cannot contain your anger when you are upset?
• Do you easily forget what you say out of anger?

It is not easy to break the cycle of verbal and emotional abuse. But, it is important to seek help. Talk to a counselor at your church or seek private therapy elsewhere. It also may be important to deal with such family problems with a family therapist.

Ask for help from others. Explain that you are working hard to change and need their patience and prayers. Talk to the members of your family and ask them to stop you and remind you that verbal abuse is hurtful when you begin to show your anger in words. If you are mad and are about to throw out insults take a deep breath, count to ten and say out loud three things you love about the person in your path of anger.

Rely on God for guidance, seek His wisdom and know that His love is always on your side no matter how difficult the struggle.

Consider the impact of such powerful words on a small, unquestioning child. Young kids do not have the ability to fight back, nor do they have the ability to justify your words because of your anger. They do not understand why you are so mad and hurtful; many times, they will believe what you say in anger.

Above all, do not allow your family to continue carrying the scars of meaningless words. If you need help, please seek it as soon as possible for the sake of your family.