One Spouse Can Save a Marriage

Sitting alone in his apartment, Stephen called asking for help. He was desperate. His wife of 15 years had insisted he leave. Reluctantly, he left his wife and two teenage children.

Having been alone in his apartment for over two weeks, he’d had plenty of time to brood. Rather than allowing this time to soften him, he had let the time and distance stiffen his mood.

“She’s angry and says she is tired of working on our relationship,” Stephen said. “Angie doesn’t think she plays any part in our problems. She can be incredibly stubborn. So, she says ‘go ahead and go to counseling, but I’m not going.’”

“How long has she been frustrated like this?” I asked.

“To be honest, she’s asked for counseling in the past, but I haven’t really wanted to go. Now she’s pulled away and I’m the one asking for it and she won’t go.”

“So, she’s out of gas,” I said. “I see this quite frequently in relationships. It means you have to take the high road and may have to do most of the work for awhile, until she sees that you are serious about the relationship.”

“That’s not fair,” Stephen protested. “You’ve got to talk to her and make her see that she has to change. She is just as much to blame as I am.”

“Well,” I said slowly. “This isn’t about what is fair, or who is to blame. You’re going to want to convey that you are dedicated to the relationship, that you’re willing to look at yourself for awhile, even if she isn’t willing to look at herself.”

“But,” he continued, still uncertain about having to do all the work. “Doesn’t it take two in a marriage? Doesn’t she have to do her share too for this to work?”

“Yes and no,” I said. “I’d much prefer for her to be involved in the counseling. But, for a season, you may have to do more of the work. She’s very wounded and I presume watching to see what you’ll do. From the looks of things, at this point she’s seeing a sullen, angry man. That’s not likely to help your cause.”

“I’ve always believed in two people working on a marriage,” he repeated.

“Yes, that is ideal,” I said. “But in this situation she has said she doesn’t want the marriage. She wants you to work on yourself and then will decide from there. So, let’s focus on your side of the street first, OK?”

For the next several sessions we outlined what he could be doing to ‘clean his side of the street.’ For as much as he wanted things to be ‘fair,’ and ‘for her to face her issues,’ he struggled to stay on his side of the street. We outlined his tasks.

First, he had to be clear about his issues.

He had to ‘let go’ of any notions about ‘right’ and ‘wrong,’ ‘fair’ and ‘unfair.’ These would not serve him well. He had to focus on the damaging behaviors he brought to their relationship. He had to take a fearless inventory into his issues, setting out to correct them.

Second, he had to resist any temptation to shift into blaming or shaming her.

We talked about how to assertively confront her when she said hurtful things or engaged in hurtful behavior. Rather than responding in kind, which was his habit, he would kindly confront her. He would gently correct her.

Third, he must offer words of kindness, catching her doing things right.

It can be tempting to focus on the negative, when there is much positive taking place. Find ways to enhance the positives in the relationship. Scripture tells us, “Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act.” (Proverbs 3:27)

Fourth, he must show that he is committed to this corrective course of action.

He noted that his mate was used to him changing for a short time, then reverting back to old behavior. She would be watching to see if he could ‘stay the course.’ Filled with doubt and disbelief, she might be waiting for him to fail or fall back into old patterns. He must now show that he is sincere about maintaining positive change.

Finally, should she ultimately refuse to participate in counseling, after he had made necessary changes, he may have to enforce boundaries of his own.

Only after he has made necessary changes could he insist she participate in counseling. Then, after he has established a clear and convincing path of change, he could approach her regarding the importance of her joining with him in changing their relationship.

Scripture tells us that what we reap we will sow. Just as surely as Stephen would reap blessings from changes he was making in his life, his wife would reap the effects of her behavior. Again, if he kept his side of the street clean, holding himself gently accountable for his own behavior, chances were very good that she would begin to change as well.

We’d love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and www.thecenterforhealing.org. Learn more about our work in healing trauma through Lifespan Integration. We are happy to answer your questions about this new, effective way to resolve old wounds.